When I Eat, I Hate Myself A Little More

Chapter 6

Guys I really need your help on this. I've been gaining very little reads on my later chapters so I don't know if you all actually want me to continue it or not? Please give me suggestions because I don't want to continue something which won't actually be appreciated:/ anyways new chapter here~

CHAPTER 6

"Hello sleepy head! What are you doing hiding under there?"

My eyes shot open and I instinctively brought my video camera under my pillow to hide it. It was my sister's voice. I got my phone out whilst under the covers and checked the time, it was 3.36pm.

I was guessing her school let her off earlier than usual because I did not expect her to be home this early. I rubbed my face to get rid of the dry and sticky tears and faked a yawn.

I pulled the covers off and smiled at her.

A fake smile.

"The question is what are you doing here at home so early? Went to skip ur classes again?"

I gave a smirk.

She gave an annoyed look and got another pillow from the side of the bed and threw it at my direction but missing me. Of course, I burst out laughing hysterically.

Ever since young she can never aim properly. Whenever we were at carnivals, she would disagree when I want to play those shooting games where you have to aim at targets to win.

That's the reason why we always get into fights as kids. Thinking back about it makes me want to laugh and smack our younger selves in their faces.

"Shut up! I didn't mean to hit your face anyways!"

"Yeah, sure sure" , I mocked her.

I was still laughing inside though. For once today I actually was able to actually laugh and smile a.. Real smile.

"By the way get your ass off my bed and take a shower, you smell."

She grimaced and stuck her tongue out at me saying "You're still in your uniform so don't judge me!" and went out of my room whilst grabbing a towel and closed the door.

I sighed, got out of my bed and went to lock my bedroom door. My stomach was grumbling uncontrollably as I did not have anything for the day.

I opened my drawer and got a sweat shirt and some sweat pants out to change.

The reason why I wear sweatshirts was because I wanted to hide all my fats. Nobody would want to see those disgusting things anyways.

Looking into my drawer I saw countless of short shorts. I sighed softly once again and thought "How I won't be able to wear all of you anymore". I couldn't risk wearing them, with the scars of my legs. Plus I looked fat in them, I didn't even know why I had bothered to buy these last time. Was I insane?

"Probably." 

Yeap.

I closed the drawer and looked down at my body. I may have or may have not grown fatter or skinnier. I lifted my sweatshirt up to my chest and immediately grimaced. My stomach was bulging and looking down at my thighs, it made me want to purge.

It was so big and chunky. I started to tear once again. I didn't own a scale so I wasn't able to weigh myself, that alone made me want to die. How could I live without knowing what my weight is everyday?

I pulled my sweatshirt back down, lifted my pillow getting my video camera and stuffing it into my bag. I picked it up and left my bedroom.

I was just about to leave the house when I realized Terra was still in the shower. I stood in thought for a few seconds before grabbing a notepad and pen and writing

'Will be back, off to pick up some things from Walmart'

With that, I placed it on her bedside table and put on my Vans. I never did own sandals, I hated open toed shoes. The thought of people in public staring at my bare feet scares me.

"Blame your anxiety and your fat feet, Lindsey."

Upon hearing Ana, I closed my eyes and took long deep breaths before stepping out of my house.

The bus ride from my house to Walmart was at least 4 stops so I though, why not just walk there instead? I adjusted my backpack and walked to the direction of Walmart.

Halfway there, I felt light-headed and my heart started pounding against my chest harshly. I desperately looked around to find a seat and I locked eyes onto the side of the pavement which could count as a seat. I slowly made my way to it and sat down on the cement, closing my eyes, trying to calm my nerves down. The fact that the people walking by kept looking at me like some alien made my anxiety bad.

Really, really bad

This made my breathing even worse as I could feel at least a million pairs of eyes staring at me. Not wanting to look like a fool anymore, I brought myself back on my feet and continued my way.

The reason why I had this was probably again because of my lack of food, but like that was going to stop me from reaching my goal. I held onto a railing and started to calm myself down again. I was not going to collapse again. I don't want to be weak.

*kling*

''Just great, who would text me at this time''

I brought my phone up and saw it was Annabelle. My mind was racing with so many different thoughts. What If she didn't want to see me anymore? What if she finally wants to come clean with me about secretly hating me? But what if she actually cares about me and she is going to ask me to hang out with her?

I reluctantly opened the text, thoughts of my hunger pains all gone.

'Hey hey Lindseyy. I just really wanna apologize about the last time. Its just that i realized we have kinda drifted apart since last year n i dont wanna make things awk n i dont wanna drag this friendship anymore..so..im sorry. u deserve to hate me. im really really sorry.. :/ ..'

I blinked a few times to process her text and just started to feel my blood boil again. She really did hate me. I was on the verge of throwing my phone down into the drain. How the hell could she do this. We've been best friends for so long and now she's just going to throw me aside for one.. one..

BITCH?!

I'm sorry to put it in that way but heck, I've been hurt by so many people in my life but this? This is like having a hundred punctured wounds directly in your heart over and over again.

"I already told you she hates you. Because you're fat and worthless. But prove it to her, prove it that you can be skinny. Prove. It"

I immediately looked down at my phone and realized that there were tears on them.

No.

I would not cry over someone who no longer cares about me and apparently hates me. I would not do that. I wiped my tears off and with a last glare at her text and her contact name in my phone, I deleted both of it. Everything that had to do with her, all gone.

Pictures,

Videos,

Texts,

All gone.

I will prove it to her that I can be skinny and beautiful. She will regret the day she sent that text to me, the day she decided to kick me aside.

I blocked out all the pain and hurt in my heart and continued walking to my destination. That is my main goal now, to get the scale and to finally become beautiful. I will be skinny. I will be beautiful.

Just wait and see.

Another longish chapter for you all. Please tell me if you actually want me to continue:/ With getting lesser and lesser reads it's really disappointing. ughhhhhhhh. Bye for nowww

xx