When I Eat, I Hate Myself A Little More

Chapter 18

I AM BACK HELLO ITS BEEN MONTHS I'M SO SORRY I WAS HAVING THE NATIONAL EXAMS AND I'M FREE NOW YESSSSSSSSSSSSS.





CHAPTER 18


It's been a week since that incident and I've thoroughly avoided Lance. Phone calls, text messages, even in school when he calls me out I just blatantly ignore him. I know he meant well and he cared but I couldn't take it. The realization, confrontation all took me on a toll.

I just wanted to get away with all of this. I've constantly been distracting myself with studies and more unimportant things. But one thing I didn't give up in doing is my blog. I've been posting regular posts, rants and whatever you can think of on there.

So far it's going well. I've gained at least fifty comments on each blog posts starting from those 'Stay strong' ones, 'Thank you' ones to those 'Attention seeking whore' ones.

I tried not to let it get to me and I kept re-reading the positive ones and it's great. There were some very inappropriate ones, not going to mention any.


I may or may not be triggering myself with this though. I post pictures regarding self harm, eating disorders and yada-yada. But I guess in order to help I have to get through with this.



But recovery.



I've actually never thought about that too. How was I supposed to do so? I can't even take a small set back, I'm just useless.

I've seen people who go to recovery and get out with the brightest smile. But I've also seen people who go to recovery and look like they've just been to one of Hitler's concentration camps. No more need to explain further. Part of it makes me afraid of what they would do to me when I go there. I probably wouldn't even fit, I don't look anorexic.

Now there's another problem too, and who else would that be?


Lance.


I picked up my phone and scrolled through the ignored Lance texts and internally sighed. I was being the worst person. The reason why he tried to contact me constantly after that incident is because he cares. At least that's what I actually think so.


"Of course, you know why? Lindsey is a little freak who can't handle the truth", I said to myself


First I walked out on him and now I'm just treating him like some kind of stranger. But he didn't give up, not yet maybe. He's been constantly texting my phone and finding me in class or just school itself.

I was in deep thoughts when suddenly the school bell rang loudly and made me jump out of my seat. It was free period so i could do anything, if it wasn't my phone would be long gone. I sighed to myself as I looked around the classroom, people smiling, laughing and talking to their friends while I was just there alone. I felt lonely without having anybody to spend time with or talk with.

But hey, I'm used to it so whatever.

I grabbed my backpack and just walked pass everyone, not bothering to look at the weird new teacher who said bye to me when I walked pass him and out of the classroom.



One word, creepy.





"Yeah sure I'll do that"


I quickly turned my head and saw him, Lance. He looked sad. Not just sad but he looked like he just got ran over by a bus, attacked by a iguana and never slept since. When he stopped with his conversation, his head suddenly popped to my direction.

My eyes immediately widened to an inhuman-like way and switched my gaze to the bath room. I marched towards it as I prayed internally for him not to catch up with me. But he wouldn't dare to barge into the girl's washroom anyways. Unless if he is a psychotic teenage pedophile but hopefully he isn't.


Just kidding, he isn't.



Luckily, there was nobody inside. I couldn't handle those piercing stares anymore. Standing in front of the mirror, I sighed once again. The voice of ana slowly crept in.



"You look so fat. Starve. Starve."



My breaths became short and quick and I quickly held the sink to support my weak self. I quickly turned on the tap and washed my face. Apparently as well as my hair and my clothes. I hate washing my face in school. I already looked ugly enough, now my clothes are wet and my hair is damp. But her voice is gone.

I'm acting like such a weakling. Weaklings always get pushed around, not having a say in what they do. I've been in this position for too long and it's not only hurting me, it's pissing me off.

It might be kind of weird to hear this from a person suffering from mental disorders but I'm just pissed at myself for being me, the weak me. I wanted to be strong.

I plucked up my courage and thought to myself , "Come on Lindsey. You can do it., you can defeat her. You're beautiful." I brought my face up painfully slow and looked at my reflection.

I notice it now. After so long, I finally noticed. I lost weight. Not just 2 kg but I looked like I lost at least 8 kg in 2 months. No, I still don't look stick skinny, I still have fats all around my body. But there was a huge difference.



"What am I doing to myself."



I lifted up my shirt and my waist shrunk significantly. My belly was protruding out but my waist did shrink. My arms were smaller, my thighs were smaller.

Pulling my shirt back down I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down. This is why my parents got so suspicious about everything I eat whenever I'm not at home.

I remembered during Social Studies, I was just walking into the class when one of my class mates shouted my name.

It was so embarrassing I don't even want to remember it anyways.



"Lindsey?"

I was brought out of my thoughts as i quickly turned back, literally confusion was plastered all over my face because nobody bothers about me at all.

"Um, yes? Anything wrong?", I asked.
All I could think of is why Sophia and Erica (math class) would talk to me.

Sophia's head tilted a little to the side and she looked, i would say nervous. "You ok? you're soaking wet."

I just stood there oblivious to the fact that she just pointed out something obvious. And obviously I'm not going to bother to open my mouth to answer an obvious question to an obvious answer.

Yeah I legitimate meant that.



They had an awkward glance towards each other and Sophia spoke again, "Well I've been worried for the past few weeks, you look like you're sick. Your weight loss and all."

"Yeah, both of us noticed that." , Erica added.

"I know that." , I just shrugged. "I'm just down with this long term fever thing and yeah you get the gist of it."

Sophia and Erica glanced at each other and looked at me again. Damn I feel like I'm being interrogated.

"Okay, just take care of yourself." , Erica said as she grabbed hold onto Sophia's hand and walked away. I didn't miss the soft smile that both of them gave to me before they walked out. What the hell, is it Opposite Day or something?


I didn't notice why or how I lost weight since I never really bothered to actually look at myself closely in the mirror. I didn't dare to, I didn't want to be disappointed by a fat whale.

But now, it's different. Maybe I'm just having a phase where I think I'm skinny enough but then regret eating later. I really don't know.

All of a sudden, the washroom door burst open.


"Nicole."


"Lindsey, why are you held up in here?"

I didn't reply.

I just looked down and brought my backpack up to leave when suddenly her voice stopped me. "Lindsey, how are you? Im worried, do you remember what I said when I first met you?"

I could hear her footsteps getting closer to me. She stood facing me and held onto my shoulders, she looked into my eyes. "You need help."



Seriously what the hell is up with today.



I brought my head towards her direction slightly with a confused look but I didn't press on. What else did you expect me to do? Like go all out and scream my heads off saying that I'm useless and I don't actually need help?

Yeah thought so.



Of course, I quickly left the bathroom.


Walking out of the washroom , I just started to think. Not about me but for my family and even Annabelle. I promised her I would stay strong for her, I promised her I wouldn't give up. Right now if I just continue like this I would be in turn hurting Annabelle herself. I was too late that time, I can't let her worry now. I knew what happened when she kept everything to herself, she genuinely cared about me. Can't let my screwed up brain disappoint her.



"Fuck it", I muttered.



I pushed past everybody, students, more of said students and teachers. I didn't know how I was feeling, I just felt numb but angry, yet also feeling that I had enough of my own shit. I had to get this overwith, after all the struggles for the past few years. I've had enough of Ana and especially myself.

I'm just done.



Then I saw him.

I didn't know how to approach him though, ignoring people makes their feelings suck and I really don't even know if he still cares about me. But I'm going to rely on my gut feeling and the times we spent together to answer my question.

So obviously, I awkwardly waddled up to him. His friends saw me first, making everything so much better.



I bet he should have told all about me to his friends after I ignored him. I'm gonna be the laughing stock of the year.

But then I tried to calm myself down when I again, waddled up and awkwardly hugged him. Earning tenths and thousands of 'ooooohss' and 'aahhhhhhhs' from his douche bag friends all over the place. I already knew how awkward I was and I definitely didn't need any reminders. I wanted to get out of there in case I embarrass myself any further but he held me tighter.


Feeling his embrace made me melt. After so long, I felt safe once again. No I'm not going to say anything cheese or cliché but I really feel safe.


The last time I've ever felt like this could be that time when I hugged Annabelle for the last time. Of course, that was never felt again till now.



I miss that girl.



"Hey, hey you alright? What happened?"

I just kept quiet and buried my face in his chest, not wanting to see any faces looking at me. "Okay."

"Okay?"

I held him a little tighter and nodded my head.

I felt lance nod his head pat my back. I guess he understood what I meant by that, well at least I hope so. I would literally slap everyone's faces if he mistook what I meant, but he's not as dumb as me I'm sure he should know.

The bell suddenly rang and the rest of the students and Lance's douche bag friends, one of them apparently named Carlito which I found pretty amusing since he is asian and he's quiet, quickly took their bags and left the hallways into the classroom. Leaving only the two of us in the hallway.

"Uh I think you can let go of me now" , my voice was muffled by him pressing my face onto his chest.

"But come on, Lindsey. You're nice to hug with, don't you love me."

"Shut up, Lance."







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