When I Eat, I Hate Myself A Little More

Chapter 13

IMPORTANT NOTE

I just realized I may or may not have offended some people by saying that 118 pounds is fat. If I did, I apologize. Lindsey is anorexic and as far as I know, some anorexics even find 90 pounds fat so I made Lindsey think that way and have that thinking. I have no means to promote Pro-Ana or ways to make my readers feel bad about their weight. 118 pounds, 100, 120, 130 or whatever you are all beautiful. I apologize again and please do not hesitate to tell me if my story is offensive. Sorry.

CHAPTER 13

It has been 2 months since Annabelle's death. Even if people may have already forgotten about it, it still haunts me everyday. In school during home room, my eyes would constantly drift towards Anna's seat.

I'll also get really, really mad if someone sat there. They couldn't treat her like some memory, it was just so wrong in many ways.

During break time with Lance, I would constantly think about her. Making me lose my appetite more than Ana ever did. I've always looked at her group of friends (the ones which she hung out with after leaving me) , they were always full of laughter and smiles. They didn't care.

That was why I wasn't able to stay in the cafeteria. Oh and the smell of disgusting food too. Nowadays, just looking down at a plate of food or smelling the scent of it will make me want to puke instantly. I don't even know if it's because of Mia or something but the nauseousness will constantly be there.

Sometime's on days, I'll just get by it just by taking sugar free gum and water. I didn't care about my health. Why should I? And if I die I would be able to join Anna and I would actually be skinny. 

The longest 'clean week' I've been able to make through is only about a week or two. I've been thinking of cutting non stop ever since her death. It's basically just that I have this panged up guilt all inside of me and I couldn't stop thinking that it was my fault. 

Even right now I'm just staring at all my hidden scars and fresh cuts under my sleeves and sweat pants. I wasn't even sad, depressed or happy at the fact that I had cut. I just feel so numb.

But the worst one out of everything is that the memory is still so clear and fresh in my mind, like it just happened a few days ago. I get scared, horrified and just..

guilty

I was such a bad friend.

I still distinctly remember the night I ran to her home, only to find her lifeless body on the ground.

 *flashback*

I was running really fast. My breath couldn't catch up to me and I felt like my legs were going to give up on me.

I slowly approached the scene filled with havoc. I saw her, Mrs Wood. Mr Wood was also there, covering his face as he shivered. But then thats when I noticed it.

I saw a body of a young girl, long hair and slender legs. My eyes slowly drifted up her body to her face.

I could feel new tears forming in my eyes as I remembered how her face looked. The longer I think about that moment, the harder my grip is towards the letter, the one that Annabelle left me. After they collected her body, Mrs Wood brought me and Lance into their house and into Anna's room.

I remember stepping in the room with such warmth. I actually felt that nothing was different, I could feel that she was actually still alive and that she was only resting on her bed.

But apparently not.

Slowly stepping around and glancing around her room, memories flooded back. Ones where I had a sleepover with her the first time at her house because my mom wouldn't allow anyone to stay at mine, we had so much fun.