When I Eat, I Hate Myself A Little More

Chapter 10

New chapter for all of you beautiful people ~ Enjoy!

CHAPTER 10

This went on for probably a week. Each time I ate at home, I would act like I was tired and I would go to my bathroom to purge. It's like a haven for me. But whenever I didn't get to purge I would feel really bad and guilty.

And I'd cut.

I've been recording in my video camera how many days I was clean. The last time recorded was 5 days.

But leaving all the depressing things aside, Lance had become really popular. It's kind of like the scenario where the girls stop to look at him in the hallway? Yeah. That happens all the time.

But the good news is unlike those popular guys, Lance didn't push me aside just because I wasn't in the popular group. He would occasionally smile at me or start some small chat. But as usual whenever he does that my palms get sweaty and I just feel like crawling into a hole.

I keep feeling like I'd get judged by everyone. Especially him. But he doesn't make me feel that way at all.

He still sits with me during home room.

Oh yeah and I've stopped caring about Annabelle. She has tried talking to me but I just push her away, I didn't want her to hurt me any more. So that's why after a while she started to move further away from me.

I could've sworn I saw sadness in her eyes when I pushed her away. But I didn't care.

Things were weird. It wasn't getting shitty but it wasn't getting better.

I liked it this way.

At least I'd know what to expect.

One bad thing is that I'm afraid my family might find out about my purging issues or my self harming issues. Each time when I excuse myself after dinner, they would give me weird looks. It makes me really uneasy.

I sighed and sat down on my chair before I realized something.

I haven't weighed myself for today.

Feeling the panic rising in my chest I started to hallucinate and think that I'd have gained at least 20 pounds from not regularly checking my weight everyday.

I ransacked my drawer till I pulled out the metallic scale and placed it onto the floor. I took of my clothes and three it to the other side of my room as I took a glance down my body.

"Disgusting."

I shut my eyes closed and nodded.

Every time I had to weigh myself, the same feeling would rise. It's like I was so anxious but nervous. Scared but excited.

I stepped onto the scale and I could hear the metal creak as my weight pushed it down. I was so fat.

"It might break you know."

'I know that.' I thought to myself.

The silence was deafening. It was like I was stuck here in a hole. I couldn't move my body and I couldn't think straight. Moving my muscles with all my might, I was able to look down to see the numbers that rule me.

108 pounds.

Oh my god.

This was the lowest I've seen. All the starving and the purging paid off . This was also the first time I ever felt happy just by looking at my weight.

I smiled to myself as I got off, put on my clothes and shoved the scale back into my drawer. Ignoring my hand brushing past the wooden box which kept my blade.

"Just do it, go on and cut yourself you worthless fat ass."

I slammed the drawer shut as I went to lay on my bed. I checked the time on my clock and it stated 12:06 p.m. It was a Saturday so I was able to laze around but the bad thing about it is that I might have to eat two meals. I couldn't escape my parents.

*kling*

I looked at my phone and I saw a text.

From Lance.

I hastily picked up my phone -- and yes almost simultaneously flipping it off and hitting my hand on the bed frame. I was smiling like an idiot when I waited for his text to open up. But I was also nervous, what if he actually didn't want to be friends with me anymore?

"Ugh no!" I said as I shook my head.

My stupid anxieties getting the best of me.

' Hey Lindsey :) how r u doin'? '

I continued smiling like an idiot. As cheesy as this sounds, all I could think of was his deep amazon green eyes. It was weird actually.

' :) great! You? '

I lied. I wasn't good at all.  

"Lindsey I'm back! Could you please come down?"

That was my mom. She came back from her usual shopping trip I guess.

I placed my phone on the bed and went down the stairs. My eyes grew wide with curiosity as it drifted to her hands holding at least 7 plastic bags of different clothing stores. She was one to spend but this was just over the top.

"Hey mom. What have you got there? Sixty pieces of clothing?"

I laughed a little as I pointed to her one of many shopping bags.

She shot me a look and said "Hey I bought some clothes for you and Terra too!"

Oh.

She took out two pieces of tank tops and two other pieces of tops. One of them was a sleeveless and frilly one while the other was black and thin with wordings.

"Terra! Where's Terra? Anyways for the tank tops I got an XS for her and I got you an M. Same for the shirts too! Yours is the black one!"

My heart sank at her words. I had gotten two sizes bigger than my elder sister. I just wanted to break down and just die, I really am fat.

"Fat, fat, fat."

She was taunting me again.

"Oh thanks mom!" I forced myself to sound cheerful.

She smiled as she said "Now go try it on and see if it fits! If it doesn't I'll change it to a bigger one." She passed me the clothes and turned to the other side of the living room as she shouted for Terra.

I forced a smile on my face as I turned to go to my room. How hard I was controlling to no let my tears fall. My own mom even thought that I'm really that fat that I needed to get an L. Maybe I really am.

"Of course you are. Go try on the clothes that's too small for your body."

I couldn't help it. The first tear started to escape as Ana broke me down again. I started brisk walking up the stairs, then running.

Once I reached my room I slammed the door shut, threw the clothes on the bed and leaned against the door as I dragged myself down to the floor.

*kling*

The sound of my mobile phone indicated I got a text. For the first time I couldn't care less if it was Lance or not. I didn't want to care. I was fat. There was just no point.

Placing my hand over my mouth, I just sat there.

Silently crying.

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