The Gray Zone

CHAPTER 39

/Alexi's POV/

It was almost eleven when we made it back to my house and I was pretty sure that at least my mom would be asleep now. After I unlocked the door I turned around to Jesse. "You stay here. I'll be back in a second." 

I heard him scoff slightly and sneaked into the kitchen without turning the lights on. I kind of like it when everything was darker, it was almost as if seeing was more relaxing. Quickly, I riffled through one of the drawers by the cooking island and found the little box with the note inside. I wanted to go into the hallway again, when I felt two arms going around my waist and a head peeking over my shoulder.

"Found it?" Jesse chuckled and gave me a kiss on the cheek. 

"I told you to stay in the hallway." I argued and turned around. 

"But I like the kitchen more. Always reminds me of the first time we made out." I blushed a bit and handed him the box. 

"Merry late Christmas, I guess." I watched him open the present excited and read the note, his face lighting up with every line he read. 

"Oh god, Babe! That's fantastic, thank you so much." Jesse bursted out and hugged me. "Shh! You're gonna wake the others up." I laughed "But you're very welcome." 

"Maybe we should stop talking then, to avoid Levi or your mom waking up?" The boy suddenly said under his breath in this calm voice. Slowly, he tugged on my bottom lip with his and turned me around, so that I was leaning against the kitchen island. 

"Jesse" I groaned, but he just imitated my "Shh" sound and lifted me up so that I sat on the surface. His hands went from my neck to my thighs by lifting the skirt. I began to kiss along his jaw and had great trouble not to moan, because watching and feeling his tattooed hands going up and down my legs really turned me on, so I began to unbutton my shirt and I wasn't even done with the first three, whenI felt his lips going down my throat and over my collar bones. 

"Fuck" He whispered and bit down on my skin, causing me to moan too. This made him look up with a cheesy smile and I went with my hands through his hair. "This feels so good." I said under my breath and wanted to close my eyes again, when suddenly the bright light from the lamp caused us both to stop. Simultaneously, I heard Levi's voice. 

"What the hell?!" He whispered angrily and stamped over to us, while Jesse got up and turned around and I kind of embarrassed started to button my shirt again. "I swear to god, could you please behave? For once?" 

I could tell he was mad but luckily smart enough to be silent so mom wouldn't wake up. Just now I noticed the lipstick stains I had left on my boy's cheek and neck. "Relax, we were just having fun." He tried to calm my brother down. 

"It's just weird to come downstairs to get something to drink and then I find you two undressing each other." Jesse looked over to me with that slight grin which made me laugh a bit. "I'm serious. What if mom instead of me found you two like that."

I agreed with him "Okay, maybe it's enough for today." I put my finger loosely around one of his belt loops and started to walk out of the kitchen, leaving Levi behind. In front of the door we stopped again and looked down on me with that claiming look of his.

"I really liked today." He acknowledged and closed the gap between us so forcefully, I had to take a step backwards against the door frame again. I felt him smile, before pulling away and winking at me. "I'll text ya."

In the next two days I stayed at home mostly and did a ton of stuff for school which I had ignored until now, but I really needed to get some assignments done. I comforted myself with the thought of Zach's New Year's party which I heard from various folks would be the shit. Over the last month or so I made friends with the entire Neighbourhood and was so happy to be with them. They'd definitely make it out of this town. But I was still a bit surprised when I got a text from Bryan asking me to meet him one day before the party. Of course I agreed because it meant a break from studying and also he had suggested meeting at the school again and it was so calming walking through these hallways all by ourselves.

Just a couple minutes past four PM, I arrived at the Highschool and already saw him standing outside, smoking. We hugged shortly and he unlocked one of the doors to get in. While we walked through the building, he asked me about Christmas and my family. 

"When I was walking through Chicago the day after that, something really weird happened." I said and he opened one of the classroom doors and we sat on the tables. 

"Go on" He smiled, catching me off guard. I hadn't even told Jesse about that, but Bryan and I got along really well and I felt like he'd understand me. 

"I saw an old friend of mine and we talked and I already was annoyed at her, but then she... She made me realize that she wanted me to dumb Anthony just to fuck with him herself." I starred at my Vans and silence filled the room for a couple of seconds. 

"That sucks, man." Bryan sighed and I giggled. "What?" 

"You're a great comforter." I laughed and he smiled at me cheesy, before running a hand through his hair. 

"What did you say to her after you found out?" 

"That she's a bitch and should shut up, basically." I answered and he slid closer to me and put one of his arms behind me. "Good girl." The boy almost congratulated me, but somehow he didn't seem fully there. 

"What's the real reason you wanted to talk to me?" I asked and he broke the eye contact. 

"Uh, well... Alex. You know, I really like you and think that I can trust you, you seem like the kinda person I can tell it without problems." He took a deep breath and I didn't dare to ask what all this meant. "I'm gay." He stated and his voice shook a bit, but he still wouldn't look at me. Oh. Carefully, I placed my arm around his back and he put his head on my shoulder. 

"Okay." I said quietly a few times, because he had closed his eyes. "It's okay. It's okay. Okay." 

"It's just that- I don't know how to tell the rest of the boys. Or my Dad. Especially my Dad." I rubbed his shoulder and waited for him to carry on. "Because they make jokes about something being gay the whole time and whenever they talked about chicks I felt somehow weird, but never really confronted myself with this feeling. I just don't know what to do." 

"And what about your Dad?" 

His voice trembled again. "You don't even wanna know. He'll hate me if he finds out." Bryan sighed again.

We just sat there for a while and he told me all his troubles and doubts and I listened to him and talked about how one of my former friends came out too with 14 and how we all handled the situation with her parents. "You're going to be alright." I tried to calm him down. 

"It feels so good telling you all of that, thank you." 

With a slight smile i said quietly. "No problem, Bry. You're one of my best friends."

Later, we drove to Taco Bell and he insisted on changing the topic now. So I told him about Sasha and that we hadn't talked to each other in quite a while. 

"Not even a 'Merry Christmas' or something." I scoffed and ate some fries. "He told me I've changed to the worse. But maybe I just don't act the way people want me to nowadays." 

 Bryan raised his eyebrows and nodded in agreement. "Maybe since you've been hanging out with us bad boys you became a bad bitch." 

I flashed a smile at him. "No, jokes aside. I've definitely changed, I grew as a person." 

"People don't change, really." Bryan disagreed and his tone got more serious. "At the core, you are yourself when no one is looking. And to change this real you - almost impossible."

Later that night, when I was home again, I thought about what my friend had said. Do people really never change? That is a kind of awful thought. And a dangerous one, because we can only grow if we change and the past couple of months have shown me, that I wanted to grow so much more.

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