The Gray Zone

CHAPTER 13

/Alexis' POV/

A deep bass sound began to make its way into my dream. Like some kind of siren. And then again. After the third time drums began to play a simple beat and by the time I held my phone in my hands Lorde's voice already began to sing the first line of the song 400 Lux. "We're never done with killing time..." I was dizzy caused by a lack of sleep over the whole week and it was almost completely dark in my room. My eyes were opened a tiny bit and I just accepted the call without looking at the number. Maybe there was an emergency or something going on. 

"Yeah?" I said and my voice broke halfway through. Hopefully Levi and mom were still sleeping. 

"Alex?" 

I sat up in my bed and opened my eyes more "Jesse? Why are you calling it is like..." I glanced at my phone screen and then continued. "Four AM." 

I heard him breathing softly and could see some of the shapes of my furniture. 

"I know and I am sorry, but I couldn't sleep because of you." He mumbled.

"Are you drunk?" My voice was more of a whisper now. 

I could almost hear him smiling "No, I am certainly not drunk. I was drunk yesterday... also because of you."

 "So why are you calling me now?" I leaned back into my pillow and held my mobile close to my ear. 

"The reason I call you is that I need you to know something. Two things to be more specific." Jesse paused for a second and then also began to whisper. This all felt a bit surreal. Things like that only happen in movies, but the boy moved on before I could think about it anymore.

"Okay, so... I am sorry for being a dumb jerk that hasn't the balls to talk to you as soon as something else happens in his fucking stupid life. I am sorry that you didn't have my unshared attention and that I didn't try everything to make you smile and in general didn't treat you like you deserve to be treated." 

I was about to say "Actually, I think you treated me like everyone with a sane mind would. By simply ignoring me." But I wanted him to keep on talking. His voice calmed me somehow. 

"And the second thing is that you need to know that I like you. I really do. In fact, I really, really like you... like a lot." In the end i his voice wasn't more than a purr.

I bit my lip and starred at the floor of my room. "Okay... And what should I say now?" 

He chuckled slightly and seemed to shift in his bed. "I don't know, Alexis. I think you just needed to know that and I needed to say that."

 "Jesse?" 

He made an "Mmh" noise as answer. 

"I like you, too." 

We both said nothing for a few moments and heard each other breathing. I was close to crying – again. And I was close to waking up from this dream; it had to be a dream. But it didn't felt like it. 

"I am so sorry." He whispered still unsure.

"Okay" I choosed to not say "It's okay" because that wasn't the case, but he was certainly serious about this. Thank god. 

"Are you sad right now?" 

"Always" I sighed before adding "But right now I am pretty close to being calm." There was a weird kind of silence again. 

"I want you here, Alex. In my arms."

It sounded more like a thought he had accidentally said out lout so I left it unanswered. Partly I wanted nothing more than being in his arms right now, breathing the same air as him, having someone who'd look after me but I wasn't ready to confirm this to him. And partly I still thought this was a dream or a prank. 

"Thank you for listening." He said sorrowful. 

"Thank you for calling." Jesse chuckled halfhearted. 

"Why are you laughing all the time?" I asked and his response made me chuckle. "You're just so damn cute."

If anything Jesse knew how to make me blush without him being physically there.

"Okay" He concluded after another pause. "Sleep well, Alex and have wonderful dreams." 

I smiled again and looked at how long we had talked. Almost ten minutes. Apparently the pauses had been longer than I thought they were. 

"Goodnight, Jesse." 

"Goodnight, Darling."

I smiled again at my phone screen. And then heard him breathing and I was sure that he was starring at his mobile just like me in this moment. I put down my phone right beside my pillow and closed my eyes again. Until I fell asleep I still heard him breathing slowly and it was a bit like he was next to me. I imagined how it must feel like when he wrapped his arms around someone and held them close. 

Probably one of the things I would not have the luck to experience ever. What else was this call than making up for making me feel like shit? Probably so he could treat me like a stranger in school again. I fell asleep with a cloudy head. But at least it wasn't that stormy anymore.

Sunday

/Alexis' POV/

I woke up the next time at exact 7:33 AM but this time without someone calling me. Until nine I wallowed around in my bed trying to might begin to snooze again but it was hopeless and in the end I felt very uncomfortable. 

So I got up and sneaked into the kitchen to make me coffee and then sit on the terrace. The stone was almost cold and after a few minutes the sun began to rise. It was actually pretty nice seeing this and thought about how no matter what the sun would still rise every day until the end of time or so. It's like looking up in the sky and realizing that you're actually looking right into the whole universe. We had so little of it discovered yet. But that didn't matter because in relation to infinity nothing really matters. And especially not I. Like I might mean something to a few people but in the end the universe didn't care. At all. While I was figuring if this was something good or bad thing Levi stepped onto the terrace. "How are you?" 

Now the sun was up and the tiles underneath me weren't so cold anymore like they used to be. Or like the cold tiles I've felt under me when Jesse made out with me there. I still couldn't remember much of it and slowly I lost the hope to ever have a vivid memory of exactly this moment. 

"Um... Alex? Is everything alright?" 

I snapped out of my thoughts and turned around "Yes, yes it is... sorry I was thinking about something." 

"Well, I'm gonna make breakfast. Bacon and eggs?" 

"Sounds lovely." I answered and he went inside again.

/Jesse's POV/

Getting wasted was one of the few things I was actually good at. Maybe because it wasn't that hard but still it was like sleeping but you could control your actions more. I liked that state where you wondered if penguins could fly if they trained hard enough or a picture of a smiling goat could make you laugh until your stomach hurt. I don't know how much time, money and brain cells I had already lost and tonight I was doing it again. 

When I opened the window in my room and leaned out a bit I could 1.) See the hills standing still and in the right order like every day and 2.) Smoke weed without my mom noticing the smell. I drank one of the beers I had been hiding in my closet and starred out of the window. In my head was a big dark hole.

When I glanced over to my messy room I sighed. What a way to exist – wide awake with red burning eyes, trying to find comfort in the empty sheets of my bed and the shining sun that never seemed to set. I wrote that down, took a last sip from my beer and laid down. My head was aching and the only thing stopping me from screaming was the thought that I'd wake Lea. God, if she'd like someone like me I would also be pissed. Just like Levi. But damn Alex was something other, I think. 

And I fucked up. My hands grasped onto the white sheets. I wanted to call her and to be with her and listen to her when she speaks and I wanted run away alone and scream at everybody and take so many pills I wouldn't wake up anymore.