The Gray Zone

CHAPTER 30

tw: panic attacks

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/Alexi's POV/

I tried to keep in touch with my other friends besides but it was almost like I could only be part of their "gang" if I wouldn't be together with Jesse because now all they did was nod back to me when I said "Hi" to them in the hallway.

"I just don't understand why" I complained to Madison while we changed into our gym clothes before PE. 

She shook her head. "They think you'll change which is total bullshit. You're still the same with a boyfriend now." 

"I just wish things between Sasha and I could go back to normal again." I shrugged and got out of my shirt. 

"What are those!" I suddenly heard another girl's voice interrupt our conversation and I looked up. I kind of recognized the face of the girl but I couldn't remember the name of her. Just then I concluded that she meant the purple blue-ish marks on my collar bones which, like it seemed, I could never get rid of. Every time the old ones were almost gone, my boy decided to give me some new ones.

Another girl walked over and laughed at her friend. "Oh, don't you know that Alexis"- quick, judging gaze towards me- "Is Jesse's new whore?" 

"Hey!" I shouted and made a step towards them "I'm not his-" but just then our teacher blew her whistle from inside the gym, meaning we should come out of the changing rooms so the two girls left giggling. 

Madison and I were the only ones left and I sat down and looked at her. "Who were these girls?" 

Without hesitation she answered. "Mia Wellington and Rachel Little. Rachel used to be with Jesse since last summer." 

"Oh" I said and suddenly felt very numb. Why was everyone calling me a whore for being together with Jesse? Was there something everybody but me knew, or what? I pulled my gym tee over my head and that was when our teacher, Mrs. Adams, came in. "Marker! Sawyer! Get in out of here and start running like everybody else!" 

Even though I felt like I was going to puke I got up again and walked outside. During practice I got many telling looks from more than just these two girls which didn't really helped me. If only Jesse was there to help me out like he did that one time after the football match. But he wasn't there, just me and these girls whom suddenly all hated me and my growing, crippling anxiety. My head felt dizzy, my legs wouldn't stop fucking shaking and breathing was getting heavier. I wanted to lie down, I wanted to vanish and every movement took more energy than the prior one. 

"Is everything okay?" Madison asked me worriedly while we were running the field up and down. 

I nodded. "Everything's okay. I'm fine." And concentrated that my voice wasn't shaking so much. Then the thought of Jesse being together with someone else was there again. Playing with me and my feelings, not taking things seriously. 

Eventually PE ended and I was absolutely done when I got back to the changing rooms. My breathing was still heavy, even minutes after stopping to run and I still needed to lie down. I needed to cry. Now. Madison didn't knew exactly was going on but was so kind to help me change back into my normal clothes. Still trying to relax again I leaned against the wall and shut my eyes for a second. Suddenly, my legs had much trouble keeping me up. I should call somebody. Who? Mom was working. Jesse. No, I couldn't get him involved, he shouldn't see me like this. Who else? Who else? A few names came into my mind but nobody seemed like he or she could help.

When I opened my eyes again I was lying on the floor. Fetus position. Something was on my cheek... It hurt... I looked up and saw Madison kneeling besides me and pinching my cheek. In her face was pure terror.