Deception (Michael Clifford)

Twenty One

***

"Michael look at me!!"
My eyes blink hazily, a blur drifting through my vision like a fog.
All around me there are voices, laughing and shouting, their words indecipherable. My head pounds with the noise.
Suddenly my legs buckle and I feel a firm set of hands grab onto my shoulders.
"Michael!!" The voice sounds again, closer this time.
I flutter open my eyelids, squinting in the harsh light.
In front of me, I can just make out the shape of a face, its eyebrows knitted into a look of worry.
I look at it in a daze, the whole room spins around me. Bright, throbbing lights dance around the walls and the faces of the crowd, dizzying, matched by the deafening sound of music.
It bows it's head, "What have you done to yourself..." I recognise the voice.
"Ashton?..." I croak.
His head snaps up, eyes suddenly wide, looking at me intently.
I sigh and let my head fall.
Why is Ashton here... The guys don't care about me, they know by now to leave me alone.
I guess should feel relieved to see a familiar face, but I don't, instead I feel void of all emotion, like a lake that has been drained. Empty and gaping, too numb to think for myself.
I cant even string together a sentence, so I let my gaze drift over Ashton's shoulder, who's shooting questions at me, I ignore them and search the crowd lazily.
My head spins with fatigue and confusion and I find it hard to focus on anything, where am I? How did I get here?
I look down at my hands absently, why am I bleeding?

Then I take in a sharp breath, and it all starts flooding back.
I snap my head up and instantly lock eyes with a face standing dead still amongst the crowd, two silver circles like moons, staring right into me like she's just seen a ghost.
I can see it in her eyes, I remember it now.
Ashton's hands shake my shoulders slightly, trying to get my attention but I can't look away, inside me, something ignites, something I can't control. I stare right into her eyes like a deer caught in the headlights, unmoving and unblinking. Images fill my head of being stuck in a dark room, my father crashing in, my mother... Unconscious at my feet.
My jaw clenches slightly, fists bunching at my sides.
A new kind of fire starts to run threw my veins. It's happening. I can feel it, the pain, the anger, the fear... it all rises up once again.
The beating I have taken means nothing, all I can see is a broken body lying helplessly at my feet, so small and innocent, yet covered in bruises.
It hurts to look at, I try desperately to push the images out of my head but I can't stop it, my sanity slips away more and more by the second.
She stares back just as intently, but her posture reveals caution.
I grit my teeth, I don't want to hurt you!
Suddenly a figure moves in front of her for just a second and breaks the contact. My body sinks as its released from the grip.
Fuck this.
Without warning, I gather what's left of my senses and rip myself out of Ashton's grip, sprinting backwards and colliding into the crowd behind me. He lets out a surprised squeal.

I need to get out, I can't be in here, there's too many people, too much noise, I can't be near her. Pushing and shoving I make my way through the sea of people, anxiously looking for an exit. I head straight for the opposite wall, blindly moving forwards, totally lost in this unfamiliar space. But it's no use, when I reach it my hands touch nothing but bare wall.
Terrible thoughts start running through my head and my chest tightens in panic, I'm trapped.
I can't get out! I need to get out!
"Help!" I start to shout, shoving my way down the wall, banging on it hopelessly, "help me!!" My pleas become more desperate, and the images of being back in my childhood room start to filter into my head, I scrunch up my eyes painfully.
"Let me out!!" My hands grab pitifully at the wall, desperate for something to hold, to open, but there is nothing. Nothing but plain wall. My breathing quickens, catching in my chest. Suddenly there's the image in my head, total darkness, fear, the feeling of foreboding.
How am I supposed to get out of this place, what if I can't get out, what if I'm trapped.

As I'm punching at the wall a hand suddenly grabs onto my shoulder and whips me around, I jump in fright. Turning to look, a face appears against the crowd, I recognise Ashton, panting and face beading with sweat.
I stare at him dumbly but he doesn't speak, just grabs my arm firmly and drags me back through the crowd. My eyes dart around frantically, completely lost with no bearings to guide me. All around there are people, holding drinks and dancing, I look from face to face, their laughing fills my ears, mockingly, sarcastically.
"You couldn't help her..." My heads whips to the right, a voice reaching me over the music.
"You couldn't save her from him..." I whip round to the left.
"Stop," I mumble, voice trembling with fear. I can't tell where it's coming from.
"In the end, it was you..."
"It's all your fault..."
"It's your fault Michael."
"No!" I shout firmly, my heads darting from side to side.
"It's all your fault..." The voices surround me, taunt me. Faces flash past as I continue to be dragged through the suffocating room, none of them familiar, but all with the same lock of mocking plastered on their face. Mouths cracked into a sickening grin.
"Your a monster Michael..."
"You couldn't help her..."
"It was your fault..."
"I'm not a monster!" I say defiantly, but I know as soon as the words leave my mouth that I don't believe it. I struggle in Ashton's grip, pulling and scratching at his hand to get loose but he's too strong.
I am a monster, I've seen the same look reflected in the eyes of my own mother, the fear, the hurt, the mistrust. I need to get out of this place, as far away from her as I can before I do any more damage, before someone else gets hurt. I never used to be like this...