Deception (Michael Clifford)

Thirty Seven

Enjoy :P

***
I look up from the dry, cracked pavement of the sidewalk, a few drunks stumbling out of the bar up ahead. I dismiss them quickly. They're too out of it to do any damage. The wind cuts through the thin fabric of my shirt making me wish that I'd brought a jacket. I sniff. I don't need a jacket. I don't get cold.
So I keep walking.
I shouldn't have done what I did earlier. Or the other day.
Fuck.
I shake my head, fringe falling into place over my eyes.
I let myself slip for just one moment, one second, and that's all it took. I scowl, how carelessly I placed my hands on her. What was I thinking?
I kick angrily at a can and send it clattering down the street, it falls into a drain. I'm just like him. I always will be. But it's just so easy, to let go, to feel.
Sick.
I let the breeze calm me down and sigh.

I remember the way she felt, so sweet and soft in my grasp. I've never felt my heart pound like that before, not with fear, but with something else. It was like I was tasting a forbidden fruit, doing something I shouldn't be. It sends a warm tingle over my skin.
I growl.
No.
I shouldn't have, that's the point. I shouldn't have done it.
I hunch my shoulders and walk on.

The harsh glow from the street lights comforts me. Not as sickly yellow as the lamps in London. These ones are more sterile, a hint of blue, making everything glimmer in shades of silver, contrasting against the thick black of the sky.
I was close to caving in completely that day.
It's why she had to leave. I couldn't let her stay, knowing what I was so close to.
I've spent years distancing myself from that, who knows what I would have done if she stayed.

So I locked myself away.
The others knocked, asked if everything was okay, but I couldn't tell them, no. They couldn't know what I'd done. They'd think I'm a monster.
And she does too.
Just as well.
It will keep her away.
But it didn't, she came back.
I feel my chest tighten.
Why did she come back?

I was lost in a melody, strumming the chords of my guitar, it happens often, I don't realise that I'm doing it, I lose hours that way.
But the air changed, bringing with it her voice. I looked out the window and she was there. Sat neatly on a chair by the pool. She was wearing a green blouse, silky, almost sheer in the sunlight, I could the shape of her collarbones, the soft curve of her shoulders beneath the fabric.

I'd punish myself later, but I couldn't help it, I knew it was wrong, it was stupid, but I needed her to see me, to know that I was there. To have her look at me the way she always does, with clear, silver, analysing eyes. She sees me, it feels good to be seen.
I headed down stairs. Grabbing the lyrics out of my journal on the way, the lyrics I know she'd read, as an excuse to step outside. My heart was pounding, I didn't understand it. I went down, and when I reached the bottom of the stairs I stopped.
They were writing a song, the boys swimming in the pool, John strumming out a chorus, and her on the bench, a shy smile on her face as she watches Ashton.
I felt my heart contract.
I stepped outside, and said the first thing that came to my head.
They all turned to me and a soft gasp escaped her lips, though I doubt she was aware of it. I tightened my fist around the papers in my hand in an effort to not look at her. I couldn't. Not baring to know what I would see, horror, anger, fear?
I couldn't.
I walked over to John, all the while feeling her eyes on me. He was saying something, but I wasn't listening.
I could feel them all looking at me, staring oddly. The fresh air and the dazzling sunlight was too much after days of sitting inside, as well as the way she was looking at me right then, I needed to get inside, before I did anything else. I turned away to leave and out the corner of my eye I saw her stand up. My heart raced, and I forced myself, to move faster, I couldn't make myself turn to her.
I couldn't.
I was stupid, so I walked out, not back to my room, I couldn't stay in the house, I left. I walked straight out of the front door and now I'm here.