destiny

i only meant to do this to myself (part two)

Tyler POV
We were cuddling while finishing the last Disney movie of the marathon. He got up to change clothes.
It must have slipped his mind.
I watched him undress (which sounds weird but I couldn't help it)
The TV shined on his legs.
Is that gauze?
"Hey what's on your leg"
His face dropped.
I-I its um nothing"
"Josh" I say sternly "what is it"
"Bandages"
"Bandages for?"
I already know he's talking about cutting, he's only cut once that I'm aware of.
He starts bawling. Hyperventilating. He falls to the ground on his knees.
I rush over to hold his shaking body.
"I-I I'm so s-sorry" he says in between sobs
"Shhh shhh baby, I'm not mad at you its okay, shhh" I say in hopes of calming him.
He replies by pushing his head into my chest and tightening his grip.
I dont care about the tears staining my shirt as long as josh is okay.
"Let me see?"
He nods
Slowly we stand up and walk to the bathroom.
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May be triggering??
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He is already not wearing pants, just boxers, seeing as he was getting dressed when this happened.
I carefully took the end if the gauze and unwrapped it.
There is a patch if medical tape underneath. Before taking the take off I notice cuts all around it. Its horrible.
All if them differ. Some thin, some thick. Some long, some short. They look fresh. Not new, but not old. Recent like maybe in the last month or two.
"When were these?"
"I-i I dont know maybe a month?"
"Ok"
I peel back the strips of tape.
He flinches a little at each one.
Now I see a blood soaked bandage.
I remove it and am left with a dripping wet gauze pad.
It sends shivers down my spine just looking at it.
He takes it and chucks it in the trash.
Now I'm seeing a giant wound that is about a centimeter thick. Spread open. I gag at it. How could he do this to himself? He's so perfect. He doesn't deserve this.
This seems to be not even a day old.
Because it isn't.
He did this because of me.
I did this.
I never should have walked away earlier.
Tears start to fill my eyes threatening to spill over the edge. I let them escape, falling on his leg.
I need to be strong. For him.
I clean and dress the wound.
We crawl back in bed just like before and try to forget it all.
Josh falls asleep. I think about how this is all my fault. The older ones are probably because of me as well.
I move off the bed and onto the floor. Leaning against the wall with my knees to my chest I start to cry. How could I be so careless? How could i? I hate myself so much right now.
Josh POV
I wake up and Tyler isn't next to me.
I hear small sniffles and mumbled words.
I look up to see Tyler with his head in his hands.
Tyler's head doesn't belong in his hands.
He looks up at me. His eyes are puffy and red. His lips quivering, the bottom one kind of sticking in and out.
When he looks at me he sobs harder, "I'm so so sorry. How could i do that? How could I let you? How did I not notice? It's all my fault its all my fault its all my fault." He shouts in frustration
No no no.
Its not your fault.
You're perfect dont think that.
Stop crying. you can't cry. No.
I'm trying to speak but I can't. Its like my mouth is sewn shut. I'm being forced to watch him cry and cry.
I hate this. I want to scream. I want to tell him its not his fault.
I dont want him to cry why won't he stop crying?
I'm getting light heading and dizzy. My vision is hazy and I can't think.
Everything goes black.
Tyler POV
Josh wakes up. I try to apologize for everything but it comes out as a yell josh looks frustrated like he wants to do something. his eyes go to the back if his skull and he falls over in to the bed.
Josh POV
I wake up in a hospital bed. Tyler is in the car next to me asleep. I try to reach over and mess with his hair but I realize that our fingers are intertwined. I smile at the sleeping boy. He wakes up and let's out a sigh if relief.
"Thank god you're okay"
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"You passed out and I guess I was overly worried and I I took you here because I was so scared."
"Well I'm okay"
"Josh" he looks up at me "joshy I was so scared."
"I'm here now and that's all that natters okay?"
"okay"
°°°
When that doctor finally shows up tyler is eager to find out what happened and if it will happen again and how to stop it and basically everything
"Well josh had an arrhythmia that caused syncope. His heart couldn't pump enough blood during tachycardia. Tachycardia means an excessively fast heart rare. Not enough oxygen was able to reach his brain and he passed out." "Anything really could have set this off, but because there's no way find out exactly what set it off we do not know if it may happen again, if it does then it should be fine, nothing bad will happen unless walking up stairs or driving while arrhythmia occurs."
°°°°°°°
That was drama filled.
Ughhhh I know still no happy gay joshler yet
Yet.