destiny

find me again

Tyler POV
Lunch was going great until I saw josh I looked at him for a long time before i realized that he was looking at me. On instinct my eyes darted away. Jenna got up giving me a quick kiss before exiting to class. I went to get up and talk to josh, just to clear the air about how we are not friends, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to be friendly towards him and treat him like a human. But when I looked at his spot he was gone.
But he was just there ?
Maybe he went to class early, after sitting alone with nothing to do.
I noticed that he wasn't eating I know we aren't friends, and I do not want to be his friend, but this worried me Josh was always hungry.
I mean always.
He never missed a meal, speaking of him not eating, he did look a little thin and maybe a slight bit more pale then normal.
Now I am getting worried, really worried. Is he not eating again? Is he not taking care of himself ?
Is he hurting himself again?
When i first had a fight with josh he was very depressed and had severe anorexia along with cutting.
He is so fragile.
But he got into recovery and had been doing great.
How did I forget???
How could I completely ignore how he felt when I ended our 12 year friendship??
No he doesn't have the right to be hurt he said those things about me yes he does idiot he said that when you first stopped talking to convince himself that he doesn't need you.
Maybe you're right I've never thought of it like that I guess.
He said it 3 years ago and you let it affect your friendship now ?? how selfish of you
Josh POV
I cried myself to sleep that night, thinking about all he good times we had and how we will never be friends again. I hate myself so much I can't believe I ever talked like that, but I had to. if I didn't then I would have been way worse, not that I was good. I went off the deep end anyway, and now that stuff is coming back to bite me in the ass and the cycle repeats, I'm getting worse.
Seeing Tyler everyday is going to be hell. If he ever ends up forgiving me, he will just want to be friends. Probably not even best friends. Just friends. Especially not boyfriends, he isn't even gay.
I need a boyfriend.
No I need a regular friend to start.
A group of friends. That's what I need friends.
°°°°°°°
When i woke up I took a quick shower and washed off all the dried blood clinging to my leg. My car wouldn't start do I had to walk to school. I see Tyler ahead of me. I could recognize him from a mile away, any angle. He's also wearing the jacket I bought him when we went to an amusement park and he got cold when neither of us had brought hoodies. He's always been sensitive to weather. I remember I used to call him and talk to him until he fell asleep when there was the slightest of rainstorms, he thought it was a bother but I was glad to help him.
Tyler slows down his pace when someone starts talking to him. I get annoyed and walk in front of him speeding up so maybe he won't notice me. he notices me.
"Hey" he says as he picks up pace and lightly grabs my wrist.
"Hey I wanted to talk to you yesterday at lunch but you left before I could" he says out if breath.
Why would he want to talk to me ?
"Why"
"I just thought that we should clear the air on a few things?"
"Oh, well can we talk when we get to class I'm sure you're freezing out here"
"Of course"
We headed to class and sat where we sat yesterday
"So I just kinda wanted to say that like we are not friends...."
I already know this but it breaks my heart
I feel tears pricking at my eyes but I don't let them fall.
"But that doesn't mean Im not gonna be friendly with you, im not going to yell at you and stuff yenno I just Idk never mind its stupid"
"Its not dumb, tyler i " I choke on my words "I'm really sorry and I just want to to know that when I said those things i was trying to make myself believe them, I never meant to hurt you. None of those things were even true and I jus--" I'm full on sobbing now, Tyler just sits there before I speak up again he tells me that he feels awful for not considering my feelings or well being in the situation.
I wrote a song for him
I think now is the time to give it to him
I rip out a few pages of my notebook handing them to him "dont read it until you get home please"
"Hey dun"
"Yeah"
"We still aren't friends okay"
Ouch
°°°°°°°
Tyler POV
I figured out I have my last two classes with josh but we didn't talk or even look at each other. I didnt really pay attention the rest of the school day, I was to focused on what the note that josh gave me contained.
What could it even be?
The bus grew closer and closer to my stop finally releasing me to my home.
I raced to the stairs flinging my backpack god knows where.
I took the crumpled paper out if my pocket and unfolded it
"Hello we haven talked in quite some time. I know, I haven't been the best of sons. Hello i've been traveling the deserts if my mind and I, I haven't found a drop, of life.
I haven't found a drop, of you.
I haven't found a drop, I haven't found a drop of water....."
I wiped the tears off my face after I finished reading the song
Its beautiful, but one line catches my eye "my trial was filed as a crazy suicidal head case" does that mean he is getting bad again?
Maybe I should rethink the whole 'not being his friend thing' I mean if I'm being completely honest I really miss him
Really miss him
°°°°°°°
-next day-
Josh POV
I feel really weak today.
Emotionally? sure, but that's nothing new
Physically? You bet ya. Maybe I need to eat
I do need to eat, but I'm not hungry. I'm never hungry anymore. I make myself some cereal and try to eat it, but its so unappetizing it makes me want to puke just thinking about consuming all of it. Oh well.
I get to class and am met with tyler I can't face him again after giving him that raw emotion.
"JOSH" "HEY COME HERE"
I sigh and head over to him
"Hey josh how's it going ? Like really are you okay?"
"Yes of course I am"
"Are you sure? I haven't seen you eat lunch all week and unless you're chowing down like a champ at home I dont think you're okay"
Since when does he care about me?
"Tyler if you remember you clearly stated that we are not friends so why would I tell you what's going on in my life?"
"I changed my mind and Imreallysorryandimissyoualotjoshpleaseforgiveme"
I suprisingly understand what he mutters out.
I hug him
He doesn't hate me
Yes he does, you're so dumb I am your friend not him

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That was 1284 words yay