the photographer [c.h.]

six

"You did great." Leah whispered to me as I sat back down in the pew.

She grabbed my hand and held it in her lap, giving me a sense of comfort. Ashton grabbed her other hand and I leaned my head on her shoulder, trying to keep the tears from falling. Peri went up to the front of the chapel and began her eulogy, choking up every couple sentences. After a minute of trying to stay calm, she sat down next to me and I gave her a small smile. She sniffled, dabbing underneath her eyes with a tissue and we all stood up.

The men who worked at the funeral closed the casket and began making their way outside. We followed behind and out to the burial spot. We stopped at the dug up plot next to my mom's and they started to lower the casket into the ground. Peri wrapped an arm around me and I hugged her back, leaning into her. I couldn't be more thankful to have a step mother like her. She has never tried to replace my mom or act like she was better than her.

"Um, your father wanted me to give these to you." Peri reached inside her purse and handed me a stack of envelopes that were ties together.

I took them in my shaky hands and held them to my chest when they shoveled dirt back into the ground. Everyone left the cemetery and I stayed back, reassuring Leah that I would be back at the house later. Once I was alone, I sat down in front of the two gravestones and criss crossed my legs.

"Hey guys." I whispered, my voice cracking. "I'm sorry I haven't visited, mom. I knew that I wasn't strong enough to come and see you. But, now, both of you are here." I humorlessly laughed. "I should have called you more, dad." My voice broke and tears filled my eyes. "I'm sorry."

I sniffled and wiped underneath my eyes, just staring at the two headstones that had my parents names. I pulled my legs to my chest, not caring that my dress had ridden up, and rested my forehead on my knees. Tears spilled from my eyes and I tried to pull myself together, not wanting to completely break down. I pulled out the first letter from my dad and read the front. It said 'When I'm Gone.' Tearing open the envelope, I unfolded the paper and began to read my dad's messy handwriting.

Dear Katie,

Well, since you are reading this, I assume that I'm gone. Man, what will you do without me? Just kidding. I know you'll pull through, kid. I'm so proud of you and everything that you have accomplished. Ever since your mom passed away, I know that you have had it tough. With Sophie and everything you went through, you are one tough cookie. Even though your mom and I are both gone, we will always be with you. Now, I am a man of few words, as you know, so I'm gonna cut this short. I love you so much and I hope you will continue in what you love doing without me.

Love,

Dad.

I finished reading and a tear fell out of my eye as I laughed a little at my dad's sarcasm. I grabbed the rest of the letters and stood up, brushing the dirt off of my black dress. I walked out of the cemetery and towards the parking lot, finding my Jeep in the back. I climbed in and put the key in, letting it roar alive. I pulled out of the lot and began making my way home. I drove down the quiet streets of Brooklyn and finally got to the neighborhood that I grew up in. I haven't been home for a while so it's slightly unfamiliar.

I pulled into the driveway where Leah and Perri's cars were, and sat there for a moment. I knew that when I walked inside, I would not be left alone. All I want right now is to sit by myself in my room. I reluctantly got out of my car and walked to the door, pushing inside. Leah, Peri, Sophie and Ashton were sitting in the kitchen and Sophie's face immediately brightened seeing me.

"Katie!" She shrieked, running up to me and latching onto my leg. I slightly smiled and bent down to pick her up.

"Hey, girly." I faked a smile and set her back down, my exhaustion not allowing me to hold her four year old body any longer.

"You good?" Leah asked me, and I hesitated before nodding.

"Um, I'm gonna be in my room." I stumbled over my words and Leah gave me a hug.

I climbed the stairs and went down the hallway to my room, shutting the door behind me. I looked around the room and it didn't look any different from three months ago when I left. The twin sized pallet bed in the corner with a black comforter and gray walls. My music shelf was still cluttered, like I left it, and all of my cameras were on top of the shelf, a slight layer of dust coating them.

I sat down at the desk and opened my laptop, going to my pictures. Looking through one folder from last year, I felt myself laugh a little. My dad and I had gone on a walk at the park and he made me take pictures if him. There was one of him running through the big grassy area and I smiled to myself, tears filling my eyes. I pushed myself up from the office chair and went to my window, lifting it up. Dust filled the sunny air and I climbed out onto the small ledge, making my way up to the flat roof. I sat down, letting my feet dangle off the edge, and stared down at the backyard.

Memories flashed through my mind and I closed my eyes for a moment. Everything used to be so perfect. We had a normal family- just mom, dad and I- and then everything changed. When my mom died, I barely got out of bed. My dad busied himself with work to distract himself and I partied. I got drunk every weekend, hoping to just feel something other than the dull ache in my chest. That's where Sophie came from.

One night, I had a little too much to drink and went to my friend Alex's house. He had drank too that night and we ended up sleeping together. I found out I was pregnant a month later. My dad almost kicked me out since I was only fifteen and was going to have a kid. He got married to Peri after Sophie was born and they agreed to raise her as if she was theirs. It practically breaks me every time I see her because she just thinks that I'm her sister. Once I'm stably living, she will finally be mine. Alex helped tremendously and helps pay doctor bills and watches her every week. She thinks that he is just her babysitter. We've remained best friends through it all which I am so thankful for.

Looking out at the backyard again, I remembered the night that mom, dad and I played hide and seek. I had hid for at least an hour and finally came out, only to see my parents asleep on the couch. I was only ten at the time but I can still vividly remember it. God, I wish things were how they used to be.