the photographer [c.h.]

thirty-five

"Cal? It's time to go." I whispered, popping my head into the bedroom.

Calum nodded and stood up, keeping his eyes down. He struggled to tie his tie so I walked over and slowly moved his shaking hands out of the way. Calum sniffled and I tied the tie for him, like I used to do for my dad, and I looked up when a tear fell onto my hand. My heart broke when I noticed tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Cal," I sighed and he shook his head, stepping away.

"I'm fine." He said, his voice cracking, and my face fell when he wiped his face off. "I'm fine."

Calum left the bedroom, his shoulder brushing mine, and I followed him after I had put my shoes on. I watched as he walked out of the house and to the car, getting in the passenger seat. I called for Sophie and she came in, holding Travis. I took Travis from her and we went to the car. I buckled Travis in his car seat and Sophie climbed in while I went to the drivers side.

I pulled out of the driveway and Calum grabbed my hand from across the center console when we parked at the funeral home. I offered him a reassuring smile and we all got out of the car, making our way inside. Once there, Calum stopped in his tracks, his breath hitching.

"Soph, why don't you take Travis and go sit with Aunt Leah, alright?" Sophie nodded and took Travis from my arms, going to sit with Leah and Ashton.

"I can't do this." Calum breathed out and his face got really red.

I gently grabbed his arm and led him outside, watching him pace, tugging at his hair. His breathing became shallow and it was like he couldn't catch his breath. I took him around to the side of the building, knowing how much he hated when people saw him cry, and Calum looked at me with panic in his eyes.

"I can't breathe." He choked out and I nodded.

"Hey, it's okay. Just sit down." He nodded and sat against the brick of the wall, putting his head in between his legs. "Have you never had a panic attack?" Calum shook his head so I bent down in front of him, taking his face in my hands. "Okay, breathe in and out slowly."

Calum nodded and did what I said, trying to copy my breathing patterns. After a few minutes he began to calm down and I brushed my thumbs across his cheeks, wiping away stray tears. Calum stood up and I did too, brushing off my leggings.

"You good to go in?" I asked and he nodded, shaking his hands out. "I'll be with you the whole time."

Calum grabbed my hand and we went back to the front, going inside. He gripped my hand tightly in his as we got closer to the front of the room where the casket was. Calum sat down next to his Mom and I made the move to sit behind him.

"Please." He whispered and tugged me down next to him. "I really need you right now."

I nodded and put our hands in my lap, brushing my thumb over his tattoo on this thumb. Soon, the service started and Calum put his head on my shoulder after a while when people started going up to the casket. I'm sure we were a funny sight. He was so much taller than me he really had to stretch to lean down onto me. Calum buried his face in my neck and I sighed, feeling a tear fall onto my shoulder.

"May god bless you all." The preacher ended the service and Calum sat up straight, watching them close the casket.

We stood up and followed them out to the dug up burial plot. Calum continued to tighten his grip on my hand as we stood there. They began to lower the casket and he turned his head once it was all the way in the ground. We finally left after he had hugged his mom and sister goodbye and Leah offered to take the kids. I gladly accepted her offer and Calum and I walked to the car.

"Do you want anything to eat?" I asked him, quietly, and Calum shook his head, looking out the window.

I began to drive us home and once there, Calum walked inside, slamming the door behind him. I sighed, knowing that I needed to just let him cool down for a while. I left the car and went inside, noticing that the door to the balcony was open. I hesitantly walked out and saw that Calum was leaning against the railing. I only went out because I saw smoke in the air.

"Don't do this to yourself." I said and he rolled his eyes, taking another drag of the cigarette. "Calum."

"Can you just fucking leave me alone for a minute?" He yelled, turning to face me and his expression immediately changed from angry to shocked after what he said.

"I know that you're grieving and that you're upset, but you don't have to take it out on me." I stared him straight in the eye. "Now, I'm going to go inside and when you calm down or want to talk, I'll be in the bedroom."

I left Calum on the balcony and went inside, shutting the door so that no smoke would come in. He knows how much I hate when he smokes. I walked to the bedroom and changed into a large t-shirt, keeping my leggings on, and put on some fuzzy socks. I went to the kitchen and opened the cabinet, getting out some coffee grounds. I put it in the maker and waited for the pot to fill.

I leaned against the counter and scrolled through my phone, smiling a little at the text from Joy. She was thanking me for keeping Calum together at the service. I sent her a quick reply and told her that if she needed anything, I was always here. My coffee finally finished and I poured some in a cup, immediately taking a drink.

Calum has barely slept the past few days which also kept me up with his tossing and turning. I knew what he was going through but he refused to talk about it or show emotion. I jumped as arms were wrapped around my waist and a head rested on my back. I sat my cup down and turned around, letting Calum properly wrap his arms around me. I sighed, knowing how upset he was.

"You're okay, Cal."