the photographer [c.h.]

thirty

"Oh, hey, before you leave, I have to show you something." Leah said, standing up.

She left the kitchen and I took another drink of my wine, leaning back in my kitchen chair. She came back a moment later with a picture frame and I took it, my face falling at the picture under the glass. It was of my mom's grave with one white rose in front of it. I remember going to the cemetery a while after she died and putting the flower there and just sitting for hours, staring at the tombstone.

"I found it at my mom's house and thought you might want it." Leah spoke up and I looked over at her.

"Um, yeah, thanks." I cleared my throat and stood up, Calum doing the same. "I'll call you later."

Leah and Ashton both gave me a hug and Calum and I left, going to his car. I climbed in and stared at the picture as he drove us home. Memories flooded through my mind. Ones that I tried to hard to forget and I closed my eyes, not wanting to cry. I can vividly remember the day she passed.

I ran into the hospital and found the staircase, going to the fourth floor. My lungs were burning as I finally got there, but I could care less. I ran to the cancer ward and down the hall, seeing my dad outside a room. He turned his head as I approached and his face fell, shaking his head.

"No," A choked sob ripped it's way out of my throat. "Please tell me this is some sick joke."

"I'm so sorry, honey." Dad said and pulled me into his arms.

I sobbed into my dads chest and he held me tightly, shushing me. I closed my eyes, hoping that when I would open them, it would all be a dream. The car keys in my hand fell to the floor, along with my body, and I curled into myself. Dad blinked away tears and I sat myself against the wall, pulling my knees to my chest.

"You said she was getting better." I practically shouted and Dad bent down in front of me. "Why did you lie?"

"Your mom didn't want you to worry." He said and I shook my head, refusing to believe it.

I tugged at the roots of my hair and struggled to catch my breath. She can't be gone. She was my best friend. My rock. I sucked in a breath and it was like I was suffocating. I realized I was having a panic attack and Dad called for a nurse. One came and she handed me a breathing mask to help.

"Can I see her?" I hiccuped once I had calmed down a little and Dad sighed, nodding.

I stood up and walked into the hospital room, my breath hitching at my mother lying in the bed. Her chest didn't move up and down like it usually did and all of the machines were unplugged, an eery silence hanging in the room. I walked over and sat down next to the bed, taking Mom's hand in mine. It was cold.

"Why did you leave?" I whispered, mostly to myself, and leaned my forehead against the edge of the stiff bed. "What am I gonna do?"

"Katie?" I snapped out of my thoughts, looking over at Calum. I now noticed that we were home. "C'mon," He mumbled and I got out of the car, leaning into his body as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

We walked inside and I immediately put the picture frame in the trash can. I have been trying to forget those memories and I don't want to relive them. Calum asked if I was okay and I just shook my head, tears filling my eyes.

"They told me she was getting better." I mumbled. "I should have been there more."

"Don't say that." Calum whispered and pulled me into his arms.

Tears trickled down my face and I sniffled, detaching myself from him to wipe my cheeks. Calum grabbed my hand and led me back to the bathroom. He made me sit on the covered toilet and turned on the bath faucet, letting the tub fill up. Calum tugged me up from my sitting position and I allowed him to take off my sweater and jeans, kicking off my boots.

He left the bathroom with a kiss to my forehead and I stripped off my bra and underwear, stepping into the hot water. I stretched my legs out and went under the water, coming up when I couldn't breathe. A choked sob fell from my lips and I brought my knees to my chest, resting my forehead on them.

I heard the bathroom door open and Calum came in, his face falling at the state I was in. I scooted forward, silently asking him to get in. He took off his clothes, kicking his Converse off. I watched as he climbed in behind me and he wrapped his arms around my waist, his legs next to mine. I kept wiping my cheeks but it was if the tears wouldn't stop.

"I'm sorry." I choked out and Calum sighed, pressing a kiss to the back of my head. "I know how much you wanted a baby and I ruined it."

"No, you didn't." He whispered and I hiccuped, shaking my head. "Katie, you can't blame yourself."

"It's my fault. I should have been more careful." I sobbed and Calum gripped my hips, turning me around in his hold, water splashing around us.

"It's not your fault." He said, his eyebrows furrowed. "You did everything you were supposed to. If you keep blaming yourself, you'll never be happy." He tucked a wet strand of hair behind my ear and I sniffled, trying to stop the tears. "And I don't want to hear you say sorry again, alright?" He cracked a smile and I couldn't help but laugh a little.

"I'm sorry I shut you out for so long. I know you were getting frustrated." I said after a while and looked up at Calum, watching a frown tug at his lips.

"As long as you don't do it ever again, I'm good." I smiled and he did too, swiping his thumbs across my cheeks.

"I love you, Calum." I whispered.

"I love you too." He mumbled and I leaned my head on his shoulder. "So much."