the photographer [c.h.]

seventeen

I took a picture and moved to the opposite side of the stage to take one of Michael. I went back and Calum refused to make eye contact with me. I sighed to myself and made my way backstage to sit with Leah and Annie. They gave me sympathetic smiles and I just stared at the ground.

After Alex called, I figured I needed to tell Calum. Once I told him that Sophie wasn't my sister and that she was my daughter, he was confused. I had to explain the whole story to him and his face just went blank. I couldn't figure out what he was thinking.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked and I sighed.

"I didn't want you to think of me differently." I mumbled and Calum just stood up, leaving me to myself.

I closed my eyes at the thought of our conversation from earlier and was brought back to reality when four boys came running into the room. I caught Calum's eye and sent him a pleading look. He motioned to the door and I stood up, following him to the hallway. We stood awkwardly across from each other and I fiddled with my sweater.

"I'm sorry." I said quietly, not really knowing why I was apologizing.

"Have you talked to her yet?" Calum asked, ignoring me and I shook my head. I haven't built up the courage to call Sophie and explain everything to her.

"How do you tell a five year old that you're her mom? She has thought that I'm her sister her whole life and now it's all changed in one day." I let out a breath and sat on the floor against the wall. "I don't even know where to start."

Calum came and sat next to me, grabbing my shaky hand. I leaned into him and he suggested that maybe I should call her. He said that he would sit with me while I did it so I nodded. Calum stood up, pulling me with him, and he led me to an empty room. He shut the door behind us and sat down with me on the couch.

I pulled my phone out and found Peri's number, hovering my finger over the call button. Calum gave me a reassuring smile so I clicked it and put the phone on speaker. Peri's voice floated through the speaker and I asked if I could talk to Sophie. Her voice soon filled the room and I felt my breath hitch.

"Hey, Soph." I choked out and tugged at the roots of my hair.

"Are you really my mom?" She immediately asked and I nodded, but then realized she couldn't see me.

"Yeah. I'm sorry I didn't tell you." I sighed, not really knowing what to say. "Are you mad?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sophie wondered and I leaned my elbows on my knees, staring down at the phone.

"It's really complicated, Soph. I was really young and scared about what I was gonna do. So my dad and Peri offered to take you in. I told them that once you were old enough, I would tell you." I explained and awaited her reaction. "I'm sorry you had to find out like this."

I heard a thump and my face fell when Peri talked again. She said that Sophie ran to her room. A lump got caught in my throat and I told Peri goodbye before hanging up the phone. I finally looked up from my hands and Calum was watching me with a frown. He was about to say something but I just shook my head and stood up.

I put my phone in my back pocket and left the room, trying to find a bathroom. I finally did and locked the door behind me, bracing myself on the sink. I rocked back and forth and flickered my gaze to the toilet in the corner of the tiny space.

Before I knew what I was doing, I was on my knees in front of the toilet, my elbows on the seat. I took a deep breath and stuck two fingers in my mouth, pushing them back as far as they would go. I hit my gag reflex and soon enough, bile was making its way out of my throat. I coughed and got it all out before leaning back on the wall. I pulled my knees to my chest and flushed the toilet, taking slow breaths.

I can't believe I just did that. I haven't purged since high school. I pulled myself up from the dirty floor and left the bathroom, going back to the main dressing room. I found Leah talking to Ashton and Annie talking to Michael. Calum was nowhere to be seen so I sat down next to Leah, leaning my head on her shoulder.

"You okay?" She whispered and I shook my head, blinking away tears. "What did Sophie say?"

"She hung up on me." My voice broke and I cleared my throat, fumbling with my fingers. "I, um, I think I'm gonna turn in early."

I got up, not even waiting for them to say something, before walking out to the van. I got in, noticing Luke already in there and he just smiled at me, waving at the driver to go. He began driving to the hotel and Luke and I sat in a somewhat awkward silence. We made it to the hotel and I climbed out, taking my bag with me.

I checked Leah and I in and got a room key, making my way to the elevator. I went up to the third floor and found our room, pushing inside. I tossed my stuff on the floor and grabbed my bathroom bag, going to the shower. I turned on the hot water and stripped off, cringing at the bruises on my hips and collarbones. I got into the shower and let the water fall around me, getting my hair wet.

I ran my fingers over my scarred hips and thighs, closing my eyes, momentarily. Some were newer than others and I frowned at the memories, not wanting to go into the dark corners of my mind again. I shook my head and finished up in the shower, getting out after a while once my skin was wrinkly. I put new clothes on and went into the main area of the room, only to see Leah and Ashton cuddling.

"I swear, y'all are fucking attached at the hip." I muttered, running a towel through my hair. "Where's Calum?" They shared a nervous look and I cocked an eyebrow.

"Just in his room." Ashton answered, forcing a smile and I gave them a questioning look.

"Why are you guys so nervous? It's not like he's with someone else." I laughed but stopped when they didn't. "He's not with someone else, right?" I trailed off and Ashton frowned.

"Luke was walking down the hallway and caught him and some girl falling all over each other trying to get into his room. I'm sorry, Katie." He rambled and I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"No, it's fine." I assured them and took a deep breath. "I mean, him and I weren't anything official. It doesn't matter." My voice cracked so I climbed in bed, turning my lamp off.

"Katie," Leah tried and I just pulled the covers over my body, not replying.