Those Who Trust (Phan)

Part 8

Being back at university gave Dan the perfect opportunity to hide in his room in the evenings when Phil was home from work under the false pretence to study, which was absolutely ridiculous considering the fact that it was only the second week of being back. He knew that and Phil probably knew that as well, taking into account that he had seen right through Dan and his act of being bad at any kind of game. Dan maybe possibly was avoiding Phil even more than before now after that night, because truth be told he was embarrassed that Phil had found out he was losing on purpose and he wasn't keen on telling Phil why he had done what he had done.

Dan knew people who hated losing and especially one person came into his mind that he never wanted to think about ever again, that particularly couldn't stand to lose a game. It had conditioned Dan into learning how to be the loser himself, how to be the perfect submissive person not minding that they hadn't won- the perfect submissive. Something that in his short period of being a submissive he had never achieved to be and something that he would never want to try being ever again. How often had he tried to break out of the patterns that he was conditioned to follow. Always lose, never talk back, never look him in the eyes. Thinking about it, Dan was worse than any submissive could have ever been, only half stuck in the place of submissiveness and yet never able to escape in fear of punishment. Ms. Naruse called it a perfectly normal behaviour for someone in Dan's situation, but Dan liked to call it unnecessary baggage that he had to carry around with him every step and every passing second of his life.

Ms. Naruse was head over heels in love with the fact that Dan had taken the step and moved in with a dominant. She claimed that it was an enormous part of his recovery and showed how much strength he had within him. Dan, however, only felt weaker with each passing moment that he tried to avoid Phil. In the last two sessions with her, he had talked about his still existent fear of the man coming into his room at night, at what could be hidden in his closet.

On Friday evening Dan was busy reading Wuthering Heights for his English Literary Landscapes course that, even after two classes, he already predicted to be his favourite course of the semester. The teacher was strict and ordered them six books to read for the entire semester, but the topic of authors whose writing was associated with specific landscapes of England, was really interesting. It was a welcome change to Shakespeare, who Dan's studies focused on way too much in his opinion. Not that he didn't appreciate the man and his incredible work, especially when it came to sonnets, but there were only so many times Dan could hear that name before wishing for change. Emily Brontë was that variation Dan had hoped for, and later on in the semester they would talk about William Wordsworth and the Lake District that the man was associated with, something that Dan really looked forward to learn about as well. His mother had sometimes read Wordsworth's poems to Dan instead of singing him a lullaby when he was little and maybe that was the reason for Dan's love for literature that had developed later on in his life.

He was lying sprawled out on the couch in the lounge with his book in hands when Phil came home from work around five in the evening. If he hadn't lost track of time, he would have retreated into his room about an hour ago, but he was so engrossed in the story that he had forgotten to check the clock. No matter how much he enjoyed Wuthering Heights though, he still preferred Jane Eyre, written by Charlotte Brontë. Sadly though Dan was not the one to pick the books he could read for his English lit courses.

It startled him when he could hear the keys in the front door and for seconds he contemplated dashing to his room, but he could already hear Phil inside and it would look just weird and furthermore he was comfy the way he was lying right now and didn't want to move. So he just craned his neck back in order to look to the entrance coming from the hallway and enjoyed the look of confusion on Phil's face of actually finding Dan in their shared lounge. The older man masked his surprise quickly enough. "What are you reading?"