Those Who Trust (Phan)

Part 18

They went into the lounge and sat down on the couch. Dan was fidgeting, his fingers fumbling with the hem of his shirt, a tell-tale sign that he was nervous as Phil had noticed by now. Dan's nervousness made Phil uneasy as well and so, without thinking, he reached out to take both of Dan's hands into his own. They were cold, his palms clammy from sweat, and Phil started rubbing circles with his thumbs into Dan's skin, hoping that the motion would sooth Dan. The younger man looked ready to bolt and he could feel how Dan froze up under his touch.

"There's no need to be nervous, Dan. We're just going to talk," he promised in a soft voice, one that he would normally use on distraught submissives - but that was what Dan was after all.

Dan's eyes were glued to where his hands lay in Phil's, and his heart was beating uncomfortably fast in his ribcage.

"Just going to talk," he repeated the words unconsciously. On his way home from therapy, this had seemed like a good idea. Ms. Naruse had told him that he couldn't possibly hide from Phil forever, and that ignoring the issue wouldn't help the situation either. He had listened to her, but now he felt like he had done the wrong thing. What was there to talk about after all?

"I'm sorry for what happened."

Confused by the words, Dan's gaze snapped up and he was met with sincere-looking blue eyes.

"Y-you're sorry?" he stuttered out. "Why?"

The corners of Phil's mouth dropped when he heard Dan's question. It hurt him to think that Dan couldn't see that he had made a mistake. It only showed how deeply Dan's previous experience was rooted inside of him, even after all this time.

"Because I took advantage of you, and even though I was drunk that's no excuse. I scared you, and that is the last thing I ever wanted to do. I promised you safety in this apartment and I broke my own word. I'm really truly sorry for that."

Dan looked incredulous. "But you stopped."

"I shouldn't have kissed you, or at least I should have realized that you were uncomfortable during the first kiss. And when you cried the second time, shit, I-," he stopped talking mid-sentence and shook his head, his voice trembling. "Don't make me out to be the good guy here for stopping, Dan, when it was me who leaned in for the kiss in the first place."

Phil let go of one of Dan's hands, and the other one he turned palm up, held it with one hand and started tracing the lines there with the fingertips of the other. The touch tickled, but Dan didn't pull away. Instead he watched Phil's finger ghost over his skin with a tight expression, processing the words that had been spoken.

"You stopped," he repeated his previous statement a second time, "and that alone means a lot to me, because I know how it feels when people don't stop."

The words hung heavy in the air, and although Dan had voiced his thoughts in the hopes of cheering Phil up, it only seemed to deepen the frown on his face.

"I don't like being compared to that monster."

"I'm not comparing you to him."

"I suppose it's true, though. I am a monster for what I did. I mean, what makes me better than him, at the end of the day?"

Dan tore his gaze away from their hands and looked up at Phil, whose eyes were lowered. It was the first time since New Years that Dan had properly looked at him, and he looked older than usual, like he was thirty-eight instead of twenty-eight. His shoulders were slumped and he really looked worried.

"You want to know what makes you better than him? You pushed me away when I came on to you that night, and when I can't sleep you read to me. You're so thoughtful and supportive that sometimes I think it's only an act, because surely no person could be that considerate. You stay out of my room, because you understand that I need space, and you keep giving and I've been waiting for when you'll start taking in return, but you never do. You're a good human being, Phil, and one drunk kiss won't change that."