Those Who Trust (Phan)

Part 37

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"I want to have sex with you, Phil."

The words were easier to say than Dan had expected. Of course he was scared. He was really fucking scared. Just the idea of being that intimate with someone again, of possibly having another body lying on top of his, made him uneasy, but he had wanted this for so long. He wanted to finally feel Phil inside him. He wanted to have sex with him like normal couples did. He wanted to be as close to Phil as physically possible. That thought was scary and it had taken a lot of courage for Dan to make this decision, but what really had made him ready to take this next step was the fact that with Phil, everything had been scary at one point. Living with Phil had been scary. Sleeping in the room next to Phil's had been scary. Receiving a hug, getting a kiss, allowing Phil to get to know him. It all had made Dan feel scared and helpless at one point, and now he was sharing a bed with Phil, craved his soft and soothing touch and lived for his gentle kisses. He wanted to take this next step more than anything because with Phil, it might not be so scary after all.

Phil was staring up at him from where he was sitting on the floor next to the Christmas tree with disbelieve.

"Are you sure about this, Dan? Because we don't have to do this unless you want it one hundred percent."

Smiling encouragingly at Phil - and really, why was Dan smiling encouragingly when he was the one who needed encouragement the most? - Dan kneeled down in front of him and leaned forward to press a short kiss to Phil's lips.

"I'm as sure as I can be."

Dan felt just as flustered as Phil looked. He watched as Phil bit his lower lip, obviously thinking Dan's offer through, and wondered how such a gentle person could be a dominant. If he had never seen the other side of Phil before, he wouldn't have believed that Phil had it in him.

"We'll play some more games like we planned to and we'll see what happens after that, okay? I don't want our first time together to feel forced."

Phil took Dan's hands and laced their fingers together, squeezing them lightly. He leaned his forehead against Dan's, close enough now that all Dan could see was the blue of his eyes.

"This is not me rejecting you. You understand that, right? This is me saying if you're ready, I'm too, but let's lead up to this naturally."

A quick kiss was pressed to Dan's lips before Phil pulled back again and held up the boxset of the anime Dan had bought him.

"How about we watch an episode of this and play Jenga or Scrabble or something?"

Dan nodded, the bow around his neck feeling like an anchor pulling him to the bottom of the ocean now, drowning him. Phil had said this wasn't a rejection, but Dan still felt rejected and embarrassed. He'd been thinking about this for so long, had been so nervous about the offer, had thought that it would be the best present he could give to Phil. He silently wondered if he had shown up with the bracelet Phil had gotten him around his wrist and ready to submit, if Phil had reacted differently. If he would have taken him to the bedroom straight away.

"You're as easy to read as an open book," Phil sighed and ruffled Dan's hair. "You have no idea how much I appreciate what you're doing here for me, but I want this to be amazing for the both of us. If it happens tonight, it happens tonight. If it happens a month from now, that's okay too. Just because you're ready doesn't mean that we have to do it right now. The greatest thing about this present is the trust you're showing me. And that makes me really happy."