Those Who Trust (Phan)

Part 39

Thank you guys so much for taking the time to comment, reading them makes me smile. :) I actually finished writing this story earlier tonight. After this there are two more chapters left. I hope you enjoy. :) x

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PJ's and his girlfriend's flat was Dan's sanctuary. He hadn't really wanted to see Phil these past few days. It wasn't like he was mad at Phil for making him try on a cuff, but that he just couldn't face him, too embarrassed by what had happened. They'd slept in separate beds and most evenings Dan spent at PJ's flat. His best friend just quietly accepted him there, although he thought that it would be better if the couple would talk about what had happened. Dan begged to differ. The longer he wouldn't have to see Phil and could avoid his boyfriend, the better. 

They were alone at PJ's flat, Dan reading a book and PJ studying.

"I'm going to propose."

Dan was so shocked at PJ's words that he dropped the book he'd been holding.

"Woah, wait a second, hold on. What did you just say?"

"I'm going to propose."

"But that means-"

"That I'm going to quit the BDSM scene, yes. I'm well aware of my girlfriend's request to stop and I respect that wish. She doesn't want me to be sexually intimate with other people once we take our relationship to the next level and I understand that. But I think I'm ready to move on. I'm going to miss this so much, but Dan, I really think she's the one. We complement each other."

"PJ," Dan murmured, looking at his best friend in awe, before getting up from the couch to engulf him in a hug, lost for words.

___

"Hey," Phil said, voice strained, from where he was sitting on the couch. Dan waved at him before fleeing to his room. PJ was getting engaged. His friend, at this young age, was convinced that he'd found the right person to spend the rest of his life with. Dan wasn't really sure how he felt about that. There, in his living room, sat an incredible man that he loved to spend time with, but would he really be willing to spend the rest of his life with Phil?

Taken aback by these sudden thoughts on his mind, Dan's shoulders slumped. He loved Phil. His boyfriend was a kind and understanding person, perfect in so many ways, and yet lately Dan had come to doubt if their relationship was really meant to be. Phil had essentially been the one that managed to draw Dan out of his shell, something that PJ had failed to do for months. How healthy was it to fall in love with the first person that got him feeling alive again? And he'd been so focused on trying to get better for Phil that he had never considered what he wanted for himself. Did he even want to return to the BDSM scene? It shouldn't be a question if he could be able to return back one day, but if he would want to be able to do so. Dan didn't have an answer for that.

He dropped his bag by his desk. There was an essay he had to finish that he needed to hand in tomorrow. Most of it was already done, but one or two sentences were still missing and he needed to read through it one more time. Sitting down on the chair in front of his desk, Dan stilled as his eyes caught sight of a few pieces of paper lying on his desk with Phil's handwriting all over them. Phil must have left them there on purpose for Dan to see. Dan's heart sped up unreasonably fast. What could it possibly be that Phil had to write down and cowardly left on Dan's desk instead of talking to him about it face to face?

Dan grabbed for the papers and only then realized that under them, the book he'd given Phil for his birthday was hiding. His heart sank. Why would Phil give that back to him? He got an uneasy feeling about this. Hurriedly his eyes trailed over the first line of words written in black ink before rising panic gave place to confusion. These were notes scribbled on the paper, not coherent sentences. Reading a bit further, Dan let out a breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding and a feeling of warmth spread throughout his chest when he recognized that what he was holding were notes that Phil had written regarding Dan's book, pointing out typos and other small mistakes, making comments about the storyline and the characters. Dan had told him that he hadn't had the chance to edit the story yet as he had finished it just in time for Phil's birthday. Phil had taken the time to actually edit it for him, and suddenly Dan had to blink away tears, feeling guilty for having pushed away his boyfriend for the past few days.

He found Phil still sitting in the lounge, looking up at Dan from where he was watching TV.

"I- thank you for the notes on my book," Dan stumbled over his words, "and I'm sorry. For avoiding you these past few days."

"Don't be silly, you don't need to apologize," Phil told him with a slight shake of his head. "If there's someone that should be sorry, then it's me. I shouldn't have pushed you to try the cuff on. That was wrong of me."

"You didn't mean me any harm," Dan tried to interrupt him, but Phil wouldn't have any of it.

"I promised you I'd never push, but that's exactly what I did."

Dan settled down on the couch next to Phil and rested his head on his boyfriend's shoulder.

"You're always trying to play the hero, you know? But just as much as it's not my fault that I'm scared it's not your fault that BDSM is a part of you. I'm not mad at you or anything for trying to push a little. I'm just sorry that I can't give you what you want. If I was a better person I'd allow you to go to the Dungeon, but-" Dan reached for Phil's hand and intertwined their fingers, "I'm too selfish to share I guess."

Phil squeezed Dan's hand gently.

"There's nothing wrong with being selfish."

He turned his head to press a kiss against Dan's cheek, but his boyfriend turned around as well, connecting their lips to a soft kiss. Phil's hand that didn't hold Dan's reached up to cup his cheek softly as his tongue sought permission to explore Dan's mouth.

"Missed you so much," Phil sighed against Dan's lips when they had broken the kiss, and he could feel Dan's lips pull into a smirk.

"Did you now?" Dan asked, his hand that had been on Phil's arm now trailing down to where his cock strained against the zip of his jeans, rubbing along the hard outline teasingly. Phil hissed at the pleasure that was not nearly enough of what he wanted.

"So fucking much," Phil agreed.

Humming under his breath, Dan fumbled to open Phil's belt with one hand before popping the button on his jeans and unzipping them. He pulled Phil's erect cock out of his boxershorts and gave it a few quick strokes.

"Show me just how much you missed me?" he asked, his voice sultry and low and everything in Phil's body tingled, wanting to grab Dan and throw him onto the floor to do what he was asking for, but instead he held out his hand, beckoning for Dan to take it to lead him to the bedroom.

They fell on the bed, having lost their clothes on the way to the bedroom, Dan on top of Phil. When their lips detached, Dan started trailing kisses down Phil's neck, biting down above his collarbone and licking the sensitive spot afterwards to soothe the pain.

Phil's fingers found Dan's hips and his fingernails left crescent-shaped marks on his pale skin.

"Want you to ride me," he murmured in a haze of pleasure, feeling Dan's lips form into a grin where they were now gently sucking on his nipple.

"Yeah, that what you want?"

"Mhm," Phil whimpered and arched his back as Dan's lips travelled even lower, taking the head of his hard dick into Dan's mouth and circling it with his tongue while sucking. Phil wanted to buck his hips, thread his fingers through Dan's hair and push his head down. Instead he grabbed for Dan's blanket and held onto it tightly as Dan's warm breath ghosted over his cock.

"Want to watch me finger myself?"

"Fuck yeah."

Ungracefully climbing over Phil to get to his nightstand and blushing at his off-putting movements that Phil found really adorable, Dan got out a condom and the bottle of lube stashed in there. He threw Phil the condom who tore it open and made quick work to roll it over his dick and uncapped the bottle of lube, spreading some of the liquid on his fingers.

Sitting down with his legs spread so that Phil had a good view, Dan started circling the tip of his finger around his hole. Phil watched, enthralled, wrapping his fingers around his dick. When Dan's finger pushed in further and he built up a rhythm, Phil started stroking himself at the same speed. He was so ready to feel Dan's tight hole stretch around him that he almost wished for Dan to just stretch himself on Phil's cock instead of his own fingers. Dan's fingers up his ass was a sight to see. His eyes were almost entirely closed and his mouth open, head thrown back. He bucked his hips up to meet the thrust of his own finger and hissed slightly at the second one, before the muscles in his face relaxed and his jaw went slack again.

Phil growled. Dan opened his eyes and lazily grinned at him.

"So impatient."

"I need you," Phil answered breathily.

Dan got on his hands and knees and crawled over to Phil. Grabbing for the bottle of lube one more time, he poured some of it in his hand and stroked Phil's cock to get it ready.

"I'm going to give you what you want, darling."

"Finally," Phil hissed under his breath and grasped Dan's hips again, pulling the younger man on top until he was straddling him. For a second something flashed behind Dan's eyes and the cocky expression on his face dropped along with Phil's heart, but he quickly got a hold of himself as soon as Phil's fingers stopped digging and his hands started to caress his sides.

The expression on Dan's face, the way he scrunched up his nose as he slowly slid down on Phil's dick, was so stunning that Phil wanted to frame it. He whined as he bottomed out, his fingers on Phil's shoulders for support.

"You good?" Phil asked, breathing heavier now, and Dan nodded. He held still for a few more seconds before moving his hips again, whimpering slightly, his cock leaking a droplet of precum that dripped from his tip onto Phil's stomach.

"So beautiful," Phil murmured, mesmerized by Dan's movement. Dan smiled down at him, and Phil held his breath, because how did he get so lucky to get someone like Dan? With another rock of Dan's hips, those hazy memories gave way to pleasure again.

"Where's the cocky man that wanted to show me just how much he's missed me?" Dan asked teasingly, letting his fingers ghost over Phil's abdomen and making the muscles under his touch tremble.

Phil thrust up to meet Dan's movement. "He's right here," he promised as his hands settled on Dan's hips one more time, carefully now as to not spook his boyfriend by touches too harsh again. He grunted as they picked up speed, the soft noises of pleasure his boyfriend made making his stomach tingle.

The sound of skin slapping against skin and heavy breathing filled the air, and Dan leaned down to connect their lips together for a messy kiss, teeth clacking against each other.

"I'm close," Dan breathed against Phil's lips, and Phil was quick to wrap his hand around Dan's hard cock, starting to stroke him in time with his thrusts. He watched in fascination as Dan's eyes closed and his face scrunched up, his mouth forming to an o as his dick started to pulse in Phil's hand and shot hot cum over his stomach, his hole tightening around Phil. Phil was still stroking him through the last wave of his orgasm as his own climax hit him, making every fibre of his body feel electrified.

A bit later, cleaned up and still in a post-orgasm bliss, Dan rested his head on Phil's shoulder as his boyfriend had his arm wrapped around his shoulders. He was drawing patterns on Phil's pale chest with the tips of his fingers and watched goosebumps rise on Phil's skin from his touch.

"PJ's going to propose."

Phil's fingers were caressing him softly and his lips were resting against Dan's forehead, his warm breath ruffling Dan's hair.

"Isn't her requirement-"

"He said he's ready to give it up for her."

"Love makes you do a lot of things," Phil mused.

Dan didn't know how to answer that, but judging by the tone of Phil's voice he was convinced that Phil wasn't just talking about PJ here, and a warm feeling rose in his chest.

"By the way, you should really consider sending your script to a publisher," Phil said, changing the topic, and now the warm feeling from his chest shifted to his cheeks as he blushed.

"I doubt it's that good," Dan protested, feeling self-conscious all of a sudden.

"Not that good? Don't be ridiculous. You're not the most articulate person when you're talking, but you've got a real talent when you're writing."

"Hey," Dan complained slightly offended and gently boxed Phil in the ribcage, right above his heart, "what's that supposed to mean?"

"Why do you always have to pay attention to the criticism and can't appreciate the compliment?" Phil sighed jokingly, "but I mean what I said. You should really reach out to publishers if you would want to have your work published."

Dan turned his face to hide it in Phil's chest, embarrassed by the praise.

"Shut up, what's even the chance of getting published?"

"You'll never know if you never try," Phil encouraged him, carding his fingers through Dan's soft brown hair. "Think about it. If it's something you want to do, I'll support it. I'll be like your number one fan or something."

Shushing his boyfriend, Dan couldn't help but smile. Not because Phil had the confidence in his writing, but because he knew that with Phil by his side, he'd always have someone that would have his back.

___

"You're late again," Phil observed before hiding a yawn behind his cup of coffee. His glasses were slipping down his nose and his hair was sticking out in every direction.

"Thanks for pointing that out, Captain Obvious," Dan grumbled. He didn't have time for breakfast anymore, so he quickly gulped down a chocolate chip cookie and stole Phil's mug right out of his hands to take a big sip. Pulling a face, he complained about there being way too much sugar in it as he pressed the mug back into Phil's waiting hands.

"That's because it's my coffee. Get your own," Phil said dryly.

"As you've already pointed out, I'm late so I don't have the time." Dan retorted, rolling his eyes before pressing a quick kiss against Phil's lips.

"I'll see you later, have a good day at work."

"Have fun at uni."

Phil watched his boyfriend sprint out of the kitchen with a shake of his head. It was truly a talent of Dan's to constantly be late to everything. If it wasn't such an irritating trait he'd almost be impressed.

___

Dan woke up confused in his bed. It was dark outside, but the light from the hallway illuminated his room as the door was left ajar. He remembered falling asleep on the couch while he and Phil watched a movie. His boyfriend must have carried him to bed. Rolling to the edge of the mattress and sitting up, he cast a quick glance at the clock on his nightstand. It was shortly after 11 p.m.. He couldn't have slept for longer than an hour.

Shrugging on a jumper over his pyjama shirt as he felt slightly chilly, Dan quietly made his way out of the room to find Phil. He'd thought his boyfriend would be in the lounge, but instead he saw light coming from Phil's room. The door was almost entirely open and as Dan peeked in, he froze.

Phil was sitting on the floor in front of his walk-in closet, and Dan's entire body shuddered as he saw what lay spread out in front of his boyfriend. The entire contents of the bottom drawer, the handcuffs and gags and the whips and ropes, it was all there. Phil held a cat o' nine tails whip in his left hand, letting the nine knotted thongs of cotton cord run through his right hand. Dan shivered as he watched Phil caressing it with a far-away look in his eyes. He'd give a lot to figure out what Phil was thinking right now, but on the other hand he really didn't want to know.

As fast as possible he snuck back into his room and got back into bed. He opened the drawer of his nightstand and reached for the black box that contained the leather bracelet Phil had gifted to him. He toyed with it absentmindedly, wondering what had driven Phil to get all his BDSM toys out of the closet. He knew that Phil missed the scene. They've talked about it before, more than once. And Dan wanted to give it to him so badly, wanted to give Phil what he wanted so much, but could he? Could he ever really be ready for something like that? He didn't think he was right now. Just the mere thought of it shook him to the core. But Phil wanted this, and he had given Dan so much. Wasn't it Dan's turn now to do something for Phil? He felt as if something was stuck in his throat.

Putting the bracelet away again with a racing heart, Dan turned around in bed and closed his eyes, willing himself to go back to sleep. When Phil eventually crawled under the blanket and snuggled up to him, Dan was still wide awake. He willed himself not to flinch away and tried to slow his breath as Phil leaned forward to press a kiss against his temple. Dan fell asleep that night long after Phil did.

___

Dan had been visiting his family at home for his mother's birthday and wouldn't return until the evening, but that still didn't explain how Phil and PJ had wound up in a pub for three hours when they had originally wanted to just visit an art gallery.

Neither of them had been drinking a lot. At first they had talked about the paintings they'd seen and then about anything and everything really, before Phil introduced the topic he'd been longing to ask all along.

"So, how's life out of the scene?"

"You tell me," PJ groused, "it's like trying to scratch an itch on your back that you can't reach."

Phil couldn't help but chuckle, because that'd been the same exact description he'd used before.

"It gets better with time," he promised. And it did. For a while it got easier, only to get worse again. He'd taken out some of the toys he'd had hidden in his closet the other night when Dan had fallen asleep already. Just to see if they still fit in his hand as perfectly as they had before, if he could still make knots and crack the whip and manage to open handcuffs within seconds if needed in a safeword situation. It wasn't like he'd tried it out so he would still be able to do it when Dan finally agreed to it - because more and more, Phil got the feeling that Dan would never want to, and that was okay as well - but because forgetting those things would feel like losing a part of himself. He'd been in the scene for so long, had loved to be a dominant. It was a part of him, no matter how much he tried to repress it, and he didn't want to lose it entirely.

PJ shook his head in disbelief and ordered another round. He waited until he got their drinks before turning to Phil with a pained expression.

"Seriously though, do you have any tips on how to just ignore the need for it? I can't believe how you managed to quit without even blinking an eye."

Phil huffed. It hadn't been that easy, but he'd tried to hide his struggle from everyone for the sake of Dan. But he didn't want to raise false hopes in PJ.

"You try to ignore it. I still sometimes have thoughts about Dan that I know I shouldn't. The other day he was so horribly late although he had just been home the entire time. There was absolutely no reason for him to be late if he had just moved his lazy ass sooner, and all I wanted to do was put him over my knee and spank him until his cheeks were red."

"You have no idea how much I'd want someone to spank me until my cheeks were red," PJ sighed longingly. Phil watched in amusement as the woman sitting next to him at the counter choked on her drink as she had listened in on their conversation, her cheeks coloured bright red.

He stirred the straw in his drink and watched the liquid slosh around in the glass.

"I guess we just can't change who we are."

"Sucks to be us."

PJ started laughing suddenly, covering his mouth with his hand.

"I just had the strangest thought," he shook his head, a grin still lingering on his face, "imagine if it had been you and me that met at the Dungeon. We would have made the perfect match, wouldn't we?"

Phil pulled a face. "No offense PJ, but I prefer you as a friend over a lover."

"You wouldn't have said that if you saw me submitting."

"Shut up, now," Phil laughed and poked him in the ribs with his elbow, "we both have happy relationships with our partners, we shouldn't talk like that behind their backs."

"You're right," PJ muttered before raising his glass, "here's to our better halves."

___

Phil got home close to ten pm. He'd spent way more time with PJ then he had planned to, Dan having called him in confusion since he had expected to find his boyfriend at home when he returned to their flat. Shooting him a quick text to say he'd be home in fifteen minutes, Phil hugged PJ goodbye in front of the pub. It had been nice to be able to talk to someone about how he felt, because now PJ understood. It was good to have an ally.

Unlocking the front door, Phil toed off his shoes in the hallway and shrugged off his jacket. Taking a few steps into the hallway, he saw light coming from the living room and entered it.

"Hey, how was it at your fa-" Phil's words got stuck in his throat at the sight before him.

Dan, kneeling on the floor. Shaking. His hands on his knees, balled into fists. His head lowered. A leather bracelet that Phil was all too familiar with on his wrist.

"Welcome home, M-master."