Those Who Trust (Phan)

Part 29

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Dan hadn't felt physical affection in so long that every little touch made his heart flutter from nerves and excitement. Whatever it was between them, Phil handled it with care and respect and he kept his word and let Dan choose the speed, and sometimes they would walk down a street and hold hands, or sometimes they would just cuddle up on the couch. Dan would rest his head on Phil's chest and listen to the steady beat of his heart, the sound calming him down. And Phil's hand would caress his back, and in moments like that he felt more at peace with himself and the world than he thought he'd ever feel again only months ago.

There was something special about short stolen kisses in the morning, when there was still sleep in the corners of Dan's eyes and neither of them dared to breathe too close to the other's face because of morning breath, when Phil's hair was ruffled from sleep and he was still wearing glasses and pyjamas. They were the first thing on Dan's mind when waking up and made it easier to get out of bed.

There was something calming about the way Phil would sometimes rest a hand on Dan's shoulder in comfort when the younger man was hunched over the table, studying for exams. He'd squeeze slightly and let the touch linger for a few seconds before ruffling Dan's hair to rile him up and chuckling to himself as Dan tried to swat his hand away.

There was something magical in the way Dan felt when Phil referred to him as his boyfriend, warmth blooming in his chest and a smile on his lips every time. The way Phil would look at him when using the word, as if making sure he had permission, with pride twinkling in his blue eyes that made Dan want to lean forward and kiss him again.

There was something scary about the way Phil's eyes would sometimes darken at a suggestive joke Dan made, about the way the atmosphere between them changed, and in one such moments Dan was reminded of the fact that he still didn't know the rules of their relationship. They had been lying on the couch, their feet tangled together. Only the TV and some scented candles had lit up the room as they were watching 'Star Wars: The Clone Wars', and Dan, for no reason whatsoever, thought it would be funny to tell Phil that he would want Darth Vader to force choke him. He had laughed about it, but Phil had remained quiet and just shifted, and the smile on his face had seemed forced, and suddenly it seemed like Dan was choking on his laugh - how ironic - and regretted the words he said.

Phil's entire posture had changed after that remark. He sat with a straight back all of a sudden and in the dim glow of the room Dan could make out how Phil's jaw muscles were clenched. The smile on his lips was strained, and Dan swallowed nervously. They watched the rest of the episode in silence.

Later that night when they stood in the hallway in front of their rooms and shared a goodnight kiss, Phil's hand on Dan's cheek did not feel comforting like it usually did. Dan was hyperaware of how close Phil's fingers were to his throat, how they could easily wrap around it, and a shiver wracked his entire body. He pulled back from the kiss, but Phil's hand still lay on his cheek, and oh how he wished Phil would take it away.

"I- I don't want you to choke me."

The words had come out without Dan wanting them to, and Phil started frowning, eyebrows knit together, and what if he was angry now because he wanted to choke Dan? The younger man couldn't suppress the shudder rippling through his body, and the way something flickered in Phil's eyes let him know that Phil noticed it as well.

"Why would I want to choke you, Dan?"

"Because I said I would want Darth Vader to choke me but I was making a joke and you just- I just- you never told me the rules. If I shouldn't have said that you should have told me, I'm sorry, I don't know the rules."