Once In A Lifetime (Katy Perry/John Mayer Fanfic)

Chapter Twelve: A One Of A Kind

"You look absolutely beautiful, darling!" My makeup artist, Todd, said as I wiped a tear away, careful he wouldn't notice before I turned to face him again. I gave him one of my fake smiles, something I'd done so much in the past however many months that it was just second nature to do it now.

The nerves I felt right now were ridiculous... I felt like I'd never performed in my life. Except, I wasn't even performing today - it was the premiere for my film Katy Perry: Part of Me 3D. The nerves I felt were for the media... Dealing with the paparazzi, the questions, the answers I'd somehow have to give without crying. I was looking forward to seeing my fans, but I wasn't purely excited - because I felt like I'd let them down. I wasn't the same Katy Perry I once was, and I knew I had to somehow get over myself and do my best shot at acting the part today.

This whole week has turned to complete shit. I don't think I'd ever regretted anything as much as I regretted sending that text to John. Why was it so hard for me to get over him? We weren't dating, we weren't exclusive. It just proved I had more feelings toward him than I allowed myself to feel, which was probably the worst part. He probably thought I didn't care, or I didn't appreciate him, but that couldn't be further from the truth. He deserved better. I wished I could express how I feel towards him, but I never will now. Not only have I completely ruined my chance and royally fucked over probably the best person I could ever be with, I was a coward. I was too scared of letting someone in... Even though that's what I needed the most.

I needed him... I needed to say sorry, I needed him back.

But sometimes, you have to learn to let go. And that's just what I have to do right now.

This entire week I'd slipped back into that depressing state I'd fought so hard to get out of, that I thought was in my past. I barely had any motivation to do anything at all. He ignited a spark inside of me; and now that spark was gone. I didn't find the joy in anything, and I just felt sorry for myself.

It took everything in me to ignore the texts and calls from him, wiping a tear away as I pressed decline, refusing to open the texts in fear of what it would do to me emotionally. God, he even attempted to knock on my front door at some point this week, probably looking for answers and to talk everything through - he was a good, pure soul like that - but of course, I ignored him. Probably because I would realise the scale of my mistakes, scared to come face to face with them. Fuck, I wanted him so bad. I needed him so bad. Something about him made me feel so protected, so purely happy.

Get over yourself, Katy. You have to forget about him and move on. Stop digging yourself a bigger grave.

I sighed as I looked at myself in the mirror, giving myself a nod and a smile, though I barely recognised myself. I'd been made into Katy Perry again, and it felt surreal... And strange. Like I wasn't even myself anymore, that I was playing some character in a show, the reality of my life. I didn't know if I could act like her today... But I only hoped. I was ecstatic that my immediate family was attending the event with me, though - along with my close friends and crew from the tour. It was to be a huge event, and thankfully having all of my close friends and family around would serve as a great distraction from the impending questions from the media about my divorce.

Bradford had put a word out about the number of questions they could ask about my personal life, thankfully - but there wasn't much else I could do. After all, I knew the film was going to have some emotional scenes that people would naturally ask about anyway, so I just had to suck it up and separate my personal feelings from the character that is Katy Perry.