Once In A Lifetime (Katy Perry/John Mayer Fanfic)

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Crystal Visions Of Loneliness

Negative.
The pregnancy test read negative.

I let out a sigh of relief as I leaned heavily against the counter. Though was it really a sigh of relief? For some reason I didn't feel better... I just felt... Worse. In fact, it was if the reading on the test read no real purpose.

I couldn't help but feel... Sad. In fact, as soon as I recognised the line in which told me this wasn't the case, that I wasn't carrying John's baby, my eyes watered. I couldn't see a thing, and I struggled to maintain my composure as I held it above me as I now move to sit down on the lid of the toilet. I covered my mouth with my hand, letting the tears silently stream down my cheeks.

This was what I wanted, wasn't it? I didn't want a child, not now anyway. Not for a long time. This was a good thing... Wasn't it?

But I guess... Underneath it all, I did want it. I did want to be a mother. I had convinced myself so much and prepared myself for the positive outcome that I hadn't even thought about the repercussions of it being negative. I guess I wanted something that would bring me close to John again - an excuse to see him, I guess - to make me feel like I was worth something. That I wasn't alone. But I wasn't pregnant - I wasn't carrying John's child. I couldn't quite grasp how upset I was, I surprised even myself.

But no, I'm alone... And forever will be.

I managed to get myself into a complete and utter wreck. I could see through the small window above me that it was near sunset, the entire day wasted by this drama. I just felt worse, like my problems were only going to get bigger. Why was I sick? It seemed the only logical reason, after it being bought up of course, was that I was pregnant. It just... I guess it made sense, and I guess... I kinda wanted it.

I slid my phone out of my pocket in efforts to distract my mind a little, noting how there were multiple missed calls and text messages from Shannon - I couldn't blame her. I did, after all, leave without barely a trace. I was just scared... And I really needed to get away.

I'm not pregnant! Yay! I'll be home soon. Xo

Tears slid down my cheeks furiously as I typed out that fake ass message, that ridiculous text in which completely juxtaposed the real way I was feeling. I pressed send, wiping my face with the already damp cuff of my sweater as I put my phone back into my pocket. I forced myself up and off of the toilet seat, walking over to the mirror in efforts to clean myself up and get the hell out of here.

I let out a sniffle as I wiped my face, dabbing it with a paper towel, the rough texture making my face only that much more red and sore, it so swollen I barely even looked like myself. I bit my lip as I thought about moving on, blocking this horrible day from my mind. I just knew that it wouldn't be the case - in fact, now it only made my desire for a child progress. I felt empty, and useless.

I guess Russell was right. You're no woman if you aren't a mother already.

I swallowed loudly in effort to not breakdown again, as I picked up my pair of car keys that were resting on the hand basin and braced myself to walk outside. I slid my beanie over my head, placing the black Ray Bans over my eyes as I stormed out the door, careful not to slam it as I quickly made my way to my car, most likely looking all kinds of suspicious despite there literally being nobody around, considering I was in the middle of nowhere.

I got into my car, turning on the ignition in hopes of getting the hell out of here - and quickly. I was quick to reverse and make my way back towards the road in which I came, definitely going over the speed limit but in all honesty, I couldn't care less. I felt myself getting wound up again, the silence in the car only encouraging my mind to overthink once more, that test the only thing on my mind. I wiped away a few random tears that slid down my face as I continued to drive, almost bursting into floods as I came into a contact with a mother and her child as I passed a playground.