Into Oblivion

Don't Go

I sat on my bed and I just wished to see him again. I walked over to his house and knocked. His mother answered the door. She looked terrible. She opened the door wider and I came in "oh Levi it's really good to see you." "You too I just stopped by to see his room.." She looked down "oh yeah go ahead" I recognized the smell it was Eren's favorite meal spaghetti. His mom nearly made it in memory of him. I walked up the stairs and opened the door slowly. Everything was just as it was. The bed was messy and there was his school bag thrown carelessly on the floor. I sat on the edge of his bed "I miss you Eren" I knew by being here was making things much worse for myself. I didn't need to be here anymore. As I got up I saw a pile of pictures on his dresser. I grabbed them they were from his camera. I looked at them all there was so many he was so happy. His smile was the thing I missed the most.

I just sat there for a little while longer taking it all in I didn't want to leave. I sat on the edge of his bed again and there it goes I was crying again I mounted my hands to my face. What the hell am I going to do now? "I don't think our baby is coming back." I looked up and saw Eren's mom, he looked so much like her I looked away "I know. He looks just like me, I also find it hard to look in the mirror these days." she sat down next to me and gave me some tissues I had to focus on my breathing if I didn't want to make a fool out of myself. "Here. He was going to give it to you on your birthday. He wanted to keep it a secret even though he knows you don't like surprises but I think you need it now " I looked at her my heart throbbing I couldn't talk without breaking down completely "s'okay Levi you don't have to say anything" it was a huge book I opened it and it was full of pictures of us and toward the back were beautiful pictures of nature and flowers the cemetery of the pictures were impeccable "He was going to give that to you. The pictures that aren't of you or the both of you are his most prized possessions. He didn't even want or put them on display from the fear of some accident happening." The tears came flowing back. I closed the book and hugged it like it was Eren himself. Eren's mom hugged me as I wouldn't let go of the book. When I got home all I wanted to do was die. I had gone home with only my thoughts and this book.

I never thought in a million years I would fall in love with a fifteen year old boy and have so many drastic turns in my life all in one year. Years before I would have never thought I would try to kill myself. More than once if I might add, but I now know if I do this I won't come back. "You know he's coming back right?" I looked at my door Kenny was standing in the entrance. I laid back on my bed "leave" "Levi I know what it feels like to be left by the only person you know and love. With time it gets better I promise" "says the terrible father of two oh wait now one child" I could tell that hurt him because it hurt me as well "Levi it gets better with time" he repeated then turned around to leave but the words came out before I could catch them "don't go." He looked confused but I continued to talk as I stared blankly at the ceiling "if you leave me alone I will kill myself and this time I won't live. But I don't want that so stay. Part of me knows that Eren will come back but that part of me is getting smaller and smaller each day." He didn't say anything he just sat down by the door and remain quite. I had fallen asleep and when I woke up I still wanted to die. Kenny had left and there was a blanket around me. I grabbed the book and looked at the pictures of Eren and me "where have you gone you brat"

It's been a month and there is no sign of any of the boys. It's Christmas Day and death is still on my mind. I bought Petra a stuffed animal that was dressed in a nursing outfit. I drove to her grave and stayed there for a while. When I came home there was a present on my bed. It was from Kenny. I opened it and they were the ice skates I was saving up for when I was little. I had totally forgotten about them. There was also new clothing for ice skating and regular basic clothing. I had also bought something for Kenny too. I knocked on his door and placed the item down on floor. We never do family pictures but we used to. I had a family photo of when my mother was still alive and Petra was just a new born. We were happy then I was about twelve when the picture was taken. I know he would like it. I honestly don't know what is wrong with me this is the man that beat me and only paid whatever bills that were thrown at us but somehow I forgive him. I sighed "I'm fucked up" tomorrow is my birthday, yes I was born the day after Christmas. All I wanted in the world was to be inside snuggled with Eren, because I fucking hate the cold.

Erens mom texted me the first thing in the morning 'happy birthday sweetie try and have a great day, I know it's hard for you to look at me since I look so much like him so I left you a present with your dad this morning he said he would put it outside your door. I love you Levi' she didn't need to do that but she was like a mother to me and she made me a slight bit happy. I texted back 'thank you so much Clara you didn't need to do that for me but I appreciate it, love you too' I felt sort of weird sending it but once it was sent I was fine. I lay in my bed for a while longer I knew if Eren was here he would be right by my side already awake he might have got up and cooked for me too. He's done it before but just because he wanted to. I tried not to cry again. I got myself up and opened the door and sure enough there was a gift. I picked it up and brought it to my bed I opened it and it was a big green coat that was incredibly warm on the inside. The hood had a soft fur design. I tried it on it was an absolute perfect fit. It was about time to go and see Petra so I got in the shower and while I was in that shower I felt the need to cry again but it wouldn't come out. I realize that I feel numb I feel as if I'm wondering this world mindlessly with no direction.

I got out of the shower got dressed and put on the coat. Walking out of the house didn't feel as cold as it was I was great full for Clara. Just like every week I visited Petra, some days I would tell her about my day or talk about Eren and sometimes I would sit down and stare at the sky for a while and today was one of those days. I needed to do something to distract my mind. So I opened my mouth and sang "carry on my way word son there'll be peace when you are done lay your weary head to rest don't you cry no more. Once I rose above the noise and confusion just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion I was souring ever higher but I flew to high. Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man thou my mind can think I still was a mad man I hear your voice when I'm dreaming I can hear you say carry on my way  son there'll be peace when you are done lay your weary head to rest don't you cry no more."