raucous rants

raucous mary-sue stuff.

I stare at the mirror with tears in my gorgeous blue eyes that put the sky itself to shame. Why am I so ugly? My beautiful brunette locks fell in flawless curls, surrounding my face as I fluttered my natural long and thick eyelashes (mascara? puh-lease, girl). I forced a weak dazzling smile onto my fully kissable lips, but it dropped and I began to sob. Even my tears were ugly!!!!!!!

Why am I so ugly?!?! I wish I was Megan Fox and not so damn ugly! Ugly me! Wah! Why am I a Size 1 instead of a Size 0?! Why am I 5'8 instead of 5'10?!?! UGLY! I'M SO UGLY EVEN THOUGH HOT GUYS ARE FLIRTING WITH ME AND TELLING ME I'M NOT! UGLY, UGLY ME! WOE IS ME! WOE IS UGLY OLE ME!

I'm not lying when I say I read a story similar to that. Actually, many. Boys told her how sexy her eyes were, how flawless her skin was, and her boobs were in the C range. Oh my goodness. She's envious. . . but why doesn't she think so? Oh yeah, because the pack said she's fat and ugly. Oh no! Not the pack!

It had so much potential, but I could not bring myself to read further. Tears were welling up in my eyes, nearly soaking my keyboard. Maybe I exaggerated a bit with her depression, but you get my point, no?

And don't lie – we've all read the stories. Where everyone thinks the main character is gorgeous expect for the fucking main character, leaving me staring in open-mouthed disbelief at my screen like an imbecile.

And let's not forget when the main character is totally perfect and they know it. If I don't like it when they think they're ugly yet they're perfect, what the hell makes you think I'll like it when they're amazing awesome and they brag about it? 

I strutted into the school with my hands on my hips sexily as everyone gasped dramatically at my superior sexy presence. "Oh my gosh, Tiffany! Why you so sexy?!?!" my best friend, Katie, asked/screamed in shock. I shrugged sexily. "I don't know, but grab a pen and paper and take some notes. Maybe my amazing sexiness will rub off on you," I advised sexily as I snapped my fingers sexily. Before she could do what she was ordered, however, I smacked her away with my big, amazing ass sexily and pranced forward sexily. I turned to her fallen frame sexily and grinned wickedly (and sexily, don't forget sexily!!!!). "Bitches be crazy," I told her sexily, before walking on my magic runaway to class sexily.

What. The. Fluck. Girl, you know the hallway is not a runaway and you're not a model, right? God. How do you even shrug sexily anyway? Anyone? Any ideas? No one? Poo.

And, if you didn't know, through my blind fury I managed to count fourteen fucking sexy/sexily/sexiness in there. Just putting it out there and all.  And that's just one paragraph. It's a shame, too, considering they actually write like that. (?!?!?! Who the hell are you screaming to?)

Anyways, so yeah. Now, I'm reduced to a quivering, sobbing mess as I continue to read the crap posted upon this site that deems itself Wattpad. I'm not saying I'm a great author, but if my stories make you feel the way I'm feeling then . . . I'm so sorry.

And this is only the characters section of my rant and many more to come, apparently.

Next, we have the dialogue. Oh, joy. Happy birthday to me. 

. . .

Damn.

YO, I JUST ADDED THE SONG TO THE SONG AS OF 9/26/13 CUZ CHER IS PERF AND THE CHORUS HAPPENS TO BE THE NATIONAL ANTHEM OF INSECURITY. SO I THOUGHT IT FIT FOR SOME OF THESE CHARACTERS IN THESE STORIES AND THIS CERTAIN RANT, HA.