raucous rants

raucous reviewing stuff.

Volia!

I am back!

Even though it's only been, like what .  . . five days? But I know my fellow ranters missed me!

X crickets X

Much love! Much love!

X throws flowers across a field of happiness and shit X

Anyways! During my minor ranting break, I was actually (minus writing, blech) searching for stories to rant about simply because I have no life. Let us all pretend this is big, shocking news. Pause. . . pause . . . okay, thank you! Back on topic, my lovely friend JJ (awesome4evah; yes I put you out there) messaged me this story that literally had her sobbing in a fetal position. And surprise, surprise!

It's a damn alpha-werewolf-mate story. Don't we just love those, everyone?

It starts off with the words "____'s Pov". Now, I just want to say . . . no. Unless you're switching point of views, don't flipping say whose point of view it is. Simply because I don't give two shits. Yeah, it used to be one shit, but my husband doesn't give a shit either . . . so now it's two shits.

Anyways. Her mother was brutally ripped apart, her father getting pushed down by a bunch of pack of rogues. She killed 20 werewolves singlehandly. Oh. My. God. So freaking powerful! I'm at lost for words! Don't you just adore those badass, super strong female characters? #GIRLPOWERPARTTWO

. . .

It's a good thing when you make the female lead able to take care of herself. You know . . . "I Don't Need a Man" (kpop reference, no one will get it, sigh). But don't make it so unrealistic. Please. It's just . . . ugh. Why?

So she's sobbing, but this delicious aroma hits her nostrils and she's in heaven. Her wolf says "mate" and begs her to find him, but there's no need. Because, they're rushing toward her with love and longing in their eyes. Exact words. Exact.

DID YOU SENSE THE PLURAL?

Yeah! Because this lucky girl doesn't just have one mate, or two, or three, or four, or five . . . she has six! And they're all soooooooooooo fucking hot!

I'm just blinking. Rapidly.

So, I proceeded onto the second chapter. Apparently, the cover is a picture of the main character. We learn that she has rainbow hair which represents her hybrid traits (or something like that, I was too busy seeing if there were any states that allowed teenage girls to purchase guns. . . you know . . . for hunting season), states one of her mates in his point of view.

Then, after mindless flirting and crap, she predicts their personalities and kisses one of them, but he wants something else tonight. Maybe a little luvin under the sheets? So they're making out. The others whistle and guy-who-got-to-first-base kisses her cheek and informs her that she does things to him. Alrighty, moving on. 

The other guys are all turned on and then afterwards they shift (omfg, she's a rainbow werewolf! GASP!) and they sprint off into the damn sunset. Second chapter out of seven. 

Third chapter. I'm such a fearless boss.

She's sixteen. They're twenty-six. Immediately, they assume she'll reject them and they get out of control and corner her. She stares to cry. Images of her being tortured and raped flash in their minds. They get all angry and possessive (HAHAHA THERE'S THE WORD! KNEW IT! I WAS FUCKING AWAITING IT!) and mark her. The werewolves bit her neck. Vampires aimed for the wrist.

Oops, I forgot to mention. They're all hybrids. Vampires & Werewolves.

Uh . . . did Edward and Jacob magically have children and out came these? Meh.

Next chapter? Sex scene! And the guys who didn't get any yet are . . . whistling? 

What the Watson? (I stole that from JJ too. I'm a little thief.)

Okay, you're mates. Your girl is fucking her "other mate" aka some other guy right in front of you and you don't give a chapstick? Instead, you're so turned on and amazed? Please. If Kai or Sora were making out with some bitch, I'd jump into the TV and/or fly to Korea and kick their asses. They'd be confused as ever but whatever.

Next chapter she has sex with a different guy. She wakes up, they've marked her, and she threatens them with no sex. Oh fuck, just give us the death penalty. Um, wow.  They joke around. Laugh. But then she has to go to school with them!

Whoa.

Back up.

School?

Damn. They just had to be dumbasses, didn't they? Can't be hot and smart. Always have to be dumbasses. Well, that's what I'm assuming anyways. Because how in the everlasting are you twenty-six going to school with a sixteen year-old?

As I click on the girl's profile, I notice her username has 'Naomi' in it. Which, ironically, happens to be the main character's name of . . . this story.

Okay.

ALL FLAMES WILL BE USED TO MAKE MY S'MORES THAT I WON'T SHARE! ALL PISSY COMMENTS WILL BE USED TO DUNK IN MY TOILET! ANY QUESTIONS THAT DON'T INVOLVE THE TWO?

p.s: i just added the kpop song i referenced "I Don't Need A Man" by one of my favorite girl groups, Miss A, on the side. i have the english translation version, so check it out, why don't you? ;10/19/13;