raucous rants

raucous fanning back stuff.

(Cue really deep and dramatic voice that's supposed to sound sexy but makes me sound like a fucking pedobear) Has this ever happened to you?

You're just hanging out on Wattpad, the wonderful writing site, and suddenly you notice someone has posted a comment on your profile. Eager to hurry up and reply, you do just that. This is what you're welcomed with:

"Hey slut! So like I just fanned you and whatnot so you better get your ass up and fan me back! Or else I'll tell you to go die!"

"What the hell? You go die!" you scream as your eyes bug out of their sockets. You're left with two options: fan back or don't.

I don't know about your ass, but I'm not fanning back.

(Yes, I called it 'fanning'. I'm sorry but I can't refer to it as following. This is not fucking Twitter.) This has happened to the majority of us. Especially if you've been on Wattpad for more than a couple months. Fanning is meant to show your appreciation for someone's writing; not just to have more fans than another person. It really pisses me off.

If I'm fanning you because you demanded I do, that means nothing. I'd rather someone fan me because they like my work than fan me because I ordered them to or else I'll raid their house. LIKE WTF.

All my fans I've recieved is due to them liking my work. If they want to unfan me because I won't fan them back, so be it. In honesty, I've only fanned one person because of their work–but not because they demanded of me. I did it because either they're my friends and I was forced to, or as payment for a cover–but I happen to like their work.

Don't you hate it when they sneak it in there?

Hi (insert name here!) OMG! You like One Direction too?! Same here! fanmebackbitch Zayn is the best! We have so much in common! I find Fransisco Lachowski sexy as hell too! And I love Taylor Swift, WOOT! (youknowtaylorswiftwouldprobablyfanmeback) Well I fanned you and we should talk some time and share shirtless pics of hot guys! Okay–dontforgetofanmeback–omg, did you hear that? wasn't me butfanmebackjustincase. bye!

WTF? Bitch, I heard you the first time. And just because it's all closed together and in fucking ninja parenthesis doesn't mean I can't read it. God. You're. Not. A. Damn. Ninja.

And then the flattery one:

Hi (insert name here!) Your name is really pretty. I wish mine was that pretty. God, is your profile pic you? Y U SO PRETTY? Everything about you is pretty! Speaking of pretty and great things, your writing is one of them. I love it so much and I just really wish you'd fan me back and make my dreams come true, you sexy goddess/god author you. Your writing is better than sliced bread. But if you don't, that's okay. I will just have to find another sexy goddess/god author like yourself to fan me and have their sexy writing skills rub off on me . . . though it'll be impossible . . .

XOXO YOUR SECRET ADMIRER BABY BOO

x clears throat x

x puts on sunglasses x

Good day. 

ALL FLAMES WILL BE USED TO MAKE MY S'MORES THAT I WON'T SHARE! ALL PISSY COMMENTS WILL BE USED TO DUNK IN MY TOILET! ANY QUESTIONS THAT DON'T INVOLVE THE TWO?