A Different Kind of Education

Chapter Sixteen : Numb

No words could explain how I felt as I stared up at the white ceiling, the cold air of the room causing my naked body to raise with goosebumps. Right after the full feeling of euphoria, a feeling like no other, the entirety of my actions had sunk in. I had slept with the brother of the guy who could possibly be my perfect match. I had experienced the best feeling in the world with someone aside from the person who I had intense feelings for.

I had broken the one promise I made to myself when I began the two person facade. The promise that no matter what I did, truly becoming a cheating whore wouldn't happen and not losing my virginity until after graduation and only losing it to someone I knew I loved.

The only thing in my life that had mattered to me, I had just taken it away from myself.

I mean, I couldn't deny that being with Matt had felt incredibly otherworldly, but I couldn't avoid the deep gut wrenching guilt that consumed me from the inside out. I knew that I loved Jay, even though he had only been in my life for a few months now. He meant so much to me. Granted there was a large part of me that did feel something more for Matt - which had started when Jay spent so many days away with his father - I stil should have never done what I had just done.

"Candy..."

I flinched at the sound of his voice.

"Please say something." He begged. Despite how terrible I felt, I resolved to deal with this and then run the fuck away.

"What do you want me to say?" I snapped, my voice practically stone. "That I had never felt something as amazing as I did just now with you? Yeah, okay, I haven't. But that doesn't change that it was so utterly wrong." I got up off the bed, "I'm dating your little brother! I'm dating someone I might even be in love with."

He flinches at my words.

"But we..." He tried to say, but I cut him off.

"We what?! Had sex? Yeah. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend's older brother who not only has his own girlfriend who is in the room down the hall, but also happens to be one of my teachers. No words can ever fully explain just how horrid my - no our - actions just were!"

He stayed silent saying nothing. Frustrated and full of all-consuming guilt, I gathered up my clothes and made a dash to the master bedroom where all of my stuff was. Not caring how irrational my actions were, I started gathering all my crap up frantically, wanting to leave before Jay got back. I was zipping up my suitcase when I heard someone clear their throat. I already knew who it was without looking.

"Go away, Matt." I murmured, using his first name, a thing I started doing more when he and I spent a lot of time together.

"No." He whispered in my ear as he wrapped his arms around me from behind.

"Please." I begged, getting a strong sense of De Ja Vu.

"I can't. I wont." Matt tells me in a determined voice, grabbing my waist and turning me so that I was facing him. My heart clenched at the sight of his handsome disheveled look.

"Matt..." I try, but he silences me by moving his lips inches away from mine.

"You got to talk and now it's mine turn okay?" He says softly. I just nod. "Look, I know how terrible you must feel and it kills me to see how negative what just happened turned out. I never wanted that to be something you regretted."

"I don't regret it." I mumble. He stays silent for a moment before continuing.

"Either way, I know you hate yourself for it and I'm sorry for that. But I'm not sorry for being your first time because I care about you Candy, more than I should." My head snaps up to look into his eyes at his words. Those hazel eyes hold me as he continues, "What we did was wrong in the sense of the external situation, but when it comes to just us, it was so right. You say we had sex. We didn't. We made love, Candy." My breathing hitches at that sentence, and he cups my chin, "That's something I haven't done in a while. I know you love my brother. I do too. But I know for a fact that what we have between us is so much more complex than anything you have with Jay or that I have with Chasity. Please don't run away from us, Candy, please."