A Different Kind of Education

Chapter Twenty-Six : Words Can't Explain

The rest of the prom had gone wonderfully and I hadn't wanted to leave Clara when midnight rolled around, but I had things to do. Justin was clearly upset when my doorbell rang, signaling the end of my night with Justin and the beginning of my day with Matt. Before I had opened the door, Justin planted a firm kiss on my lips as if a way to state that it was him I would pick. In response I kissed him back with tenderness, conveying how much I cared for him and that I was saying goodbye. He got my message loud and clear as a distraught expression blossoms on his face. I had darted out the door, unable to handle how my heart was breaking all over again, only this time for the loss of a best friend not a love interest.

Now I am curled up with Matt in blankets out in his backyard, gazing up at the stars. I have traded in my elegant dress and fancy heels for a pair of his sweatpants and my huge hoodie. All the makeup is off my face and my hair is curly and damn from my shower. He and I haven't spoken a single word since he picked me up an hour or so ago, but it hasn't bothered me in the least. I am okay with not talking because it means I can avoid talking about Justin.

"So Justin has gotten really protective." Matt says all of a sudden, fuck I jinxed it. I sigh heavily before replying.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Any particular reason?"

BAM! There goes the million dollar question. The consequence of talking to two guys at the same time, they are constantly wondering what is happening with the other guy and I couldn't blame them.

"Yes." I reply, feeling inclined to refrain from lying to Matt, "There is a particular reason."

"And what would that be exactly?" Matt inquires in a calm tone, glancing down at me.

"We slept together."

As I say those words I expect Matt to detach himself from my arms and angrily holler at me. Instead he raised his brows at me with a small smile on his lips. I am utterly confused.

"What's so funny?"

"You two barely had sex?"

"What do you mean 'barely'?"

"Look, I never asked you details because I respect your choices, but I know that you and Justin have strong feelings for each other."

"No." I say, in awe that he stuck around all these months even though he had suspicions that Justin and I were sexually active. "It was only last night."

"Well, I must admit that I'm relieved."

"I bet you are."

"Do you love him?" Matt stares intently at me, watching for my reaction. I don't hesitate on my reply.

"Yes, I do." Not a single muscle on his face moves as he registers my response. "I've loved him for a long time. He's my best friend."

There's a long period of silence where Matt just keeps hugging me close but says nothing to me. I can only imagine what is going through that beautiful head of his. I let the silence ensue for a while, contemplating whether or not to elaborate on the subject. Now that I had actually made the choice I am completely wigging out.

The uncertainty of my decision terrifies me and it was making me doubt myself The idea that if I made my choice final and real by verbally making it known, and truly jeopardizing Justin in my life, terrifies me to such an extreme extent. All I had ever known were the parts of my life I have learned to love early in my life and one of those parts was Justin. Even if he had left town the way he did, I knew that it wasn't his choice and that I could always count on him.

Yes. I absolutely love Justin with all my being but as the saying goes if you really loved the first then you wouldn't have fallen for the second. I am not sure that I have actually fallen for Matt, but the fact that I have developed some sort of feelings for him is enough to make me want to move forward. Because no one deserves to be strung along and in the end that's all I will end up doing to Justin. I will never be able to be fully attentive and focus on Justin since all of the little rebellious emotions in me insist on giving all their attention to Matt.