The Beautiful Hummingbird - Part I

Love Letter Fourteen

Wednesday, 26th March 2014

Eskdale House, The Heath, London, England.

My Darling Natasha,

When I carried you up the stairs that night, your amazing legs wrapped around me and the feeling of your thighs in my hands, I wanted you so badly. There was no way I was going to make love to you on the stairs though! We reached my bedroom and when I looked at you I knew I had to take it slowly. I wanted to savour every moment of this first time with you. I didn't want it to be a quick fumbling mess.

To explore your body with my hands as I undressed you was incredible. I wanted to touch every ounce of your soft skin and feel all of you in my hands. I was so completely lost in you, pleasure flowing through me that I nearly didn't notice you change. Suddenly you were shaking and I could tell that something wasn't right. I took an immediate step back. You tried to dismiss it but I knew you weren't ready and you needed to be, however much I wanted you it had to be mutual. There was no way I was going to carry on. A distraught look was written all over you face and tears were threatening to spill from your eyes.

The horrible shaky words that fell from your trembling lips, "let's get it over with," told me that you weren't ready. I was so shocked at those words. Making love was something that I wanted us to enjoy.

When you wrapped your arms tightly around yourself to cover your beautiful but exposed body, it dawned on me that I was fully dressed whilst you were only standing there in your underwear. I'd made you insecure and immediately covered you with my shirt. You were crying so much and sunk to the floor. I felt torn up inside. So many questions were racing around in my head. I questioned my every move. Had I read the signals wrong? Had I pushed you too fast too soon? Perhaps I shouldn't have undressed and kissed you like I did? Perhaps it was too full on, too much? I didn't understand what was happening. I was so confused.

I knelt down on the floor in front of you. I didn't want to scare you by touching you so I could only soothe your pain with my words. The way you spoke about yourself was chilling - worthless, useless, damaged. It all came completely out of the blue. I had no idea you felt that way about yourself. Finally, you let me hold you in my arms and let me comfort you.

We went to bed because we both needed sleep. I felt an overwhelming sense that I needed to protect you from something but I had no idea what it was. My suspicions made themselves evident in the middle of the night though when I woke to you shouting 'no' over and over. You weren't in the bed beside me and I found you cowering in the corner, tightly curled up in a ball, tense, shaking and crying. It was awful, you were so scared and so was I. I could only offer you comforting words again to pull you out of your nightmare.

You flung yourself into me and I held you so tightly. You said you had been in a difficult relationship and you'd been hurt. I remember thinking 'hurt' how? But it was not the time to ask questions, you were scratching your wrists in frustration. I stopped you, tried to calm you by holding you and reassuring you we'd get through it. You were taken aback by my words and thought I'd reject you. I'd never do that, I'd professed my love for you the previous morning.

You were slipping away from me and I wasn't going to let you so I made you listen to me and made you understand. Nothing had changed, I didn't feel any differently about you. We would get through it, together, and I'd be by your side. It was just as love should be, unconditional and true.

I'd joked during our earlier 'I love you more than' game but not now. Not in this moment. I told you I loved you more than everything I am, everything I have and everything I own because that was the truth. I had so much love inside me that for then it was enough for the both of us.

My love is always yours, H.x

PS: no funny PS for this love letter Beautiful. I was a mess of emotions with you that night from happiness to lust to worry to shock to being scared to questioning myself like never before to wondering about the secrets of your past. But by far the most prevalent emotion that stood high above all the others was love.