The Beautiful Hummingbird - Part I

Love Letter Seventeen

Saturday, 29th March 2014

Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, London, WC2

My Darling Natasha,

I was smarting from my meeting with Will and Brazen the previous day. I felt sick to the stomach, I hadn't contacted you, how was I going to tell you? I realised the Awards ceremony was that evening and you knew I was busy in meetings so I took the cowardly way out and decided not to communicate with you.  After everything that happened during your stay and how broken you were I just didn't think you would be in the right frame of mind to understand. I would speak to you on Sunday and explain.

I felt trapped and the colour that had begun to creep into my world turned black and white again. I just had to get through the next 24 hours which I did with boxing training with Mark the personal trainer and a long run around the Heath. Anything to keep busy, to keep from overthinking.

I met Eden at The Savoy Hotel and we took the short drive to the Theatre Royal, arriving at the ceremony together in the same car. We stepped out onto the red carpet and I felt nothing but emptiness inside. I couldn't stop thinking about you and I was totally distracted.

We posed for the cameras but I could barely smile. When Eden linked arms with me in front of the press I could feel myself flinching. She somehow sensed my anxiety and whispered something into my ear and then winked at me. Of course I naturally smiled at her revelation to me and the pap bulbs went crazy. It turned out to be as much of a nightmare as I had imagined.

I felt guilty at every turn and knew I should have called you. I'd made a massive mistake. As soon as I was able I excused myself and in the confines of the bathroom I dialled your number. It continually rang with no answer before switching to voicemail. Not knowing what to say I simply said I was sorry and could explain everything. I said I'd been a fool again and that I loved you.

The awards ceremony dragged on and Eden won best supporting actress and best newcomer. Of course I congratulated her, this wasn't her fault and I wasn't about to take it out on her, that's not my style. It was her special night. Fortunately however she did not return to the seat next to me after she accepted the second award but was whisked off for interviews. I took that as my opportunity to leave after the ceremony finished regardless of the consequences.

I had no response from you when I returned home to Eskdale. Part of me was surprise as if we missed each other you'd always usually at least text a response back even if you were busy. But then you had texted me twice the previous day and I'd not responded.

When I switched on the TV I was mortified. What a complete idiot. Of course, the ceremony itself was recorded for TV viewing the following evening but the Red Carpet was 'live' and images were shown on the news channels. Seeing myself with Eden and having not heard from you, I put two and two together, changed, packed an overnight back and jumped into my car heading straight for Holmes Chapel.

My love is always yours, H.x

PS: On the Red Carpet Eden whispered in my ear that she would rather be sat on the sofa with her girlfriend than at the tiresome event. Ironic, she's gay and no one knew, well apart from me it seemed!