Tuesday 13th January 2014
26 Terrace Street, Holmes Chapel, Cheshire, England.
My Darling Natasha,
After knocking on your front door, I stood hopeful that you would open it. I was so relieved when you did but although you let me in, you wouldn't look at me. What did I expect, I'd just run out on you.
I pleaded with you to look and me and told you I was a fool for having walked away. You were so hesitant and measured, I sensed there was that hidden something again that was preventing you from letting go. It was a restraint that was fighting against you and you needed time to break.
When I voiced my thoughts, you were defensive but I didn't take offense because the way you looked at me told me your words were not a true reflection of your feelings. I was pushing you because I was desperate to kiss you, I could barely breathe and my heart was banging hard against my rib cage.
But I stupidly pushed too hard creating tension between us. Then I massively overstepped the mark with an inappropriate comment about giving into me. I don't why I said it, I suppose I was getting increasingly frustrated because of your rejection of me. That was no excuse however.
You became so angry and I tried to remain calm but that only seemed to riel you even more. You screamed at me to leave but there was no way I was going to walk away from you again.
As your panicked state reached epic proportions, suddenly you couldn't breathe. The terrified look in your eyes as you silently pleaded with me to help you was so alarming. My only saviour was that I suffer from asthma and know techniques to calm my own breathing patterns when I have an attack.
As you desperately clawed at the fabric of your t-shirt and hit your chest with your fist in an attempt to breathe, I grabbed your face between my palms and began to soothingly talk you down from your angst. Finally, I managed to calm you but your whole body was so exhausted it gave in and you collapsed against me.
You were totally reliant on me and there was absolutely no way I was going to let you down.
My love is always yours, H.x
PS: Your panic attack was one of the most terrifying things I had ever experienced. At last you were in my arms but not exactly how I'd envisaged it!
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