The Beautiful Hummingbird - Part I

Love Letter Six

Tuesday, 14th January 2014

Outside 26 Terrace Street, Holmes Chapel, Cheshire, England.

My Darling Natasha,

When my eyes flicked open from my slumber, wow, what an amazing view to wake up to that morning. You were slouched in the armchair across from the sofa where I was sprawled out. The tips of your delicately polished toes were resting on the edge of the coffee table, your knees bent and elbows resting on them. You cradled your mug between your palms, pushing against your lovely lips. You two big brown eyes watched me over the rim of the mug and when you saw I was awake the edges of your mouth, hidden by the mug, curled at the edges into a smile.

You looked morning beautiful with that deep chestnut hair messily piled high on your head in a bun and a white tee and grey sweats all baggy and hanging off your tiny frame. My feelings as I touched your lips at the fairground the previous night were still very much at the forefront of my mind but I remembered the little talk I had with myself about not rushing either of us into anything. Although I'd had an amazing night's sleep, I felt embarrassed that I'd fallen asleep in the first place. I had to leave and did so swiftly, barely saying goodbye to you.

I sat in my car outside your house having just walked out on you. The air outside was freezing that morning and the car was covered in heavy frost. Even with the heaters on full pelt it took some time to clear the screen. I remember the heated driver's seat kicking in to warm my body, although I didn't feel relaxed in the slightest. I became increasingly angry with myself. I slammed my palms hard against the steering wheel in disgust. What had I done? Exactly the opposite of what I'd promised myself. I'd walked out on you just as the walls you had around you were beginning to slip and let me in.

You were so sensitive but I'd seen glimpses over those few days of you relaxing around me, opening up and even laughing and I could tell that it took a lot for you to do that. You seemed to keep your emotions under wraps until you felt comfortable with someone. You'd started to feel comfortable with me and I'd gone and fucked it up.

Contrary to popular belief I couldn't 'have' anyone I wanted and had been knocked back before, a few times. For two people to have a connection there has to be something between them that they both feel. If one doesn't feel it, there's no point in exploring its possibilities. I simply considered what might have been had that 'it' been there, felt disappointed then despondent then I move on.

With you though it was different. God, I was so attracted to you, ever since the very first moment I met you six days prior. I simply couldn't stop thinking about you. You had an intrigue unlike no one I'd ever met. Funny as it sounds, I was so used to people being all touchy feely towards me but you were totally the opposite and it was so nicely different.

There was something in your stunning eyes when I looked at you that sparked me from the inside out. So classically beautiful and a natural English rose, gentle but strong, intelligent but bashful. I sensed such loneliness in you though, a private person who only opened up to those who were truly trustworthy. You unknowingly pulled me towards you. You were so absolutely beautifully complex to read, perhaps that was part of the intrigue.

I found you completely sexually attractive and felt exhilarated energy flowing through my entire body when I was near you. I was excited and scared all at the same time about the all-consuming possibilities we could share. I hadn't felt so fired up inside about anyone for a long time.

If I only considered your reaction to me simply from your words, then the continued verbal rejection of me was just that, rejection. But I didn't consider solely your words because I strongly sensed they were a mask to your true feelings. Your actions and body language, unlike your words, said quite the opposite to me about what you really wanted and felt. I suppose that's why I kept pursuing you to go out with me.