My Missing Beat

Chapter. 15 Broken

WARNING: very gruesome and explicit content in this chapter. If you don't like that kind of stuff you probably shouldn't read this book lol so sorry for the inconvenience.

Rose's POV
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​Once I walk through the door and shut it, it takes everything in me not to break down. I don't have any reason to except for the fact that I'm really fucked up. I walk up the stairs and basically run into my room. I lock the door and keep the lights off. I throw my bag down and walk briskly towards my stereo on the verge of tears. I turn up the volume all the way to drown out all sound. I can't take it any longer and fall to ground in a crying mess. There's no real reason I have for crying and I know its pathetic but I can't help it. You know when I said I didn't cut? Yeah I lied. I grab my razor as I walk into the bathroom and make a smooth line across the soft skin of my wrist as blood oozes out. It may seem a little extreme but so does this feeling of hatred and gloom in the pit of my stomach. I always wonder why this happens. There is only one good reason that I would become so sad and pathetic like this.

About a year ago, I was talking to a friend, Cody, who moved across country on the phone. He was a little bit older and lived alone because his parents were shitheads who didn't care about them. So as I was talking all the sudden Cody started talking crazy stuff about what was the purpose for his life. At first I thought he was joking but then he started saying some stuff that was scaring me. I tried to calm him down and call for help but I was home alone and I didn't want to get off the phone with him. I remember it so vividly:
"Cody listen to me, you are so important. So many people love you and care about you." I cried, as I feared the worst. "But they don't Rose! That's the thing. You are the only person that has ever really cared what happened to me and my parents decided to fucking move us across the country for some unknown reason! They don't give a shit and no one here does either. Do you know what they said when I moved out? They said that they were glad I decided to leave 3 years early, that they didn't want to provide for me anymore." He shouted his voice becoming unsteady. I had met him 2 years ago in the park when I had tripped and hit my head on a slide. He came over and helped me. He called my parents and they got me to a hospital quickly.  God knows why I was there but if I hadn't I would have never met this kid and probably would have laid there on the side of the park falling in and out of consciousness without anyone there to help. I loved him like a brother and he felt the same way. "No, Cody please just calm down. You deserve the world you just delt a bad hand but that can change I promise." I said crying a little bit harder. "Rose, I love you like a sister and I wish you the best in life. Promise me you will always stay the same and don't let me get in the way of anything you do." He said sadly. I choked on my spit and shouted through the phone, "LISTEN HERE CODY GROTT DON'T YOU LEAVE ME!" before I could do anything else I heard the faintest 'goodbye I love you' through the phone before I heard something that split my ears. A sound no person should ever have to hear in their entire life, something that changed my life forever. A gunshot. My heart dropped into my stomach as the phone went into eerie silence. "Cody!" I screamed. I stayed on my phone screaming and crying his name for what seemed like days but in reality was only a few minutes. My parents and brother soon came back from the football game they had attended and my mom came into my room. My voice was raw from crying and I didn't have the strength to tell her what happened. She rushed in and held me in her arms until I fell asleep.

Even now 1 year later she still doesn't completely know what happened. I had told her I got the news that Cody had killed himself and I left it at that. I was so mortified that I couldn't stop him from doing what he did and I hate myself for it. We flew out to his funeral a week later and when I saw his parents I told them that they didn't deserve a son like Cody or any kind of happiness and to go to hell. At that my mom took me to the car and told me to stay there until I could change my 'horrible' attitude and be a little respectful.  Replaying the horrible events of that week I cut once more into my wrist and hissed slightly at the pain that is already starting to numb. I sit on the floor staring off into nothing for a little bit longer before deciding to get my sorry life together and stand up. I turn the faucet on and let the cool water run over my newly made cuts. The water turns a light shade of soft pink and I stare dully into the mirror. Has my life really come to this? Day in and day out putting up this fake smile just to tear it down when I get home? When all the blood washes away I quickly grab the bandages I hid under my sink and wrap my wrist in them. I splash water on my face and dry it with a towel. I guess I have always felt like shit and when I lost Cody under my watch, I lost grip of that part of my sanity. I walk to my closet and pull out a dark colored long sleeve sweater. I throw it on and pull off my jeans. Grabbing some yoga pants and sliding that on, I decide I should probably start my homework.
I start on math but don't get much done, my mind somewhere else. Some days I can almost completely block the horrible thoughts out of my head and focus in on the good. Other days, like today, I'm not so lucky. The worst part is that I have been clean for almost a month now but not anymore. I don't even know what triggered it this time. Usually someone will say something that will remind me of him or he will appear in my dreams. I sigh and try to get my mind off the monstrous voices that haunt me.

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Okay guys I'm so sorry this chapter sucks ass but I tried so yeah. Anyway it's near the holidays so HAPPY HOLIDAYS. I love you all so much and I realize this is an awful chapter sorry :(
Love yall so much,
Aves