Covert Affairs

Deathbed Honesty Hour

Things have been weird over the past week. And by weird I mean totally and completely normal. That's the problem. When Tyler said let's start over and be friends he really meant that shit. It was as if nothing happened, and when I say nothing I mean since fucking January. I don't know how to describe it, because it's not like he's being cold or mean or anything like that. In fact, he's been nothing but great. But in an extremely platonic way. There's not even a slight hint that he ever possibly could've had feelings for me. Honestly, I'm impressed. I wish I had the capacity to just turn my feelings off like that and be able to start fresh with someone, but I can't. Not with him. So, it's been a bit of a whiplash for me to say the least. I don't know how we could go from screaming at each other and literally doing everything possible other than admitting we have feelings for each other to this. To nothing.

It's been fine though. I'm being dramatic. This is what I asked for. I said we're friends and so we're friends. And honestly, maybe it's for the best. I've always said that feelings complicated a Cov' Ops partnership. Yet, I was always willing to risk it for him. Even if I never admitted it, I would've risked it all for him. Now, I don't have to. Now, he's being the responsible one for the both of us.

It's fine though because being friends with Tyler is actually really nice. It was nice before and it's still nice now, just in a different way. For example, right now, he's teaching me survival skills. Like how to make a spear for fishing and how to spear fish. He's teaching me which plants would kill me and which pack the most protein. How to check for animal tracks for hunting. Things like that and it's been fun. He's also been telling me stories about past missions he's gone on. I like that a lot more, mostly because he's actually talking to me and I get to learn a thing or two from his past mistakes in the field.

Some things I'm not particularly a fan of. I don't know why this certain thing grinds my gears so much, but it really gets under my skin. It's the variations of the word 'friend' that he calls me now. I'm used to him calling me Ela or Snow, maybe the occasional love or darling. What I'm not used to is the 'bud', 'pal', 'bro' and 'dude' that I've been getting. For example, if he asks me to toss him something he'd be like "Oh thanks bro." or if he's calling me over to show me something he'd be like "Dude, come check this out." I know, I'm being dramatic. These are typical words people will use on their friends. I do it. So it really shouldn't upset me as much as it has.

Nevertheless, this is the last full day we have here. Tomorrow morning they're going to come get us. I don't exactly know what to expect when we both go back to school, but I think not being around him 24/7 will help with the ache in my chest.

I was up earlier than Tyler this morning, which hasn't happened this entire week and I was super excited about that. When I woke up we were facing each other, our hands almost touching. I sat and looked at him for a while, admiring how peaceful he looked when he slept, before deciding it was creepy and went about my day. I brushed my teeth, started the fire and put some water on to boil some tea for us.

Tyler was a superstar and found some mint leaves yesterday, so we had a treat this morning. I was sitting just watching the fire when he woke up and he thanked me for the tea with a groggy "Thanks bud" before taking the cup I handed him. After breakfast he and I did some light sparring just to keep the muscles moving. Then we went for a pretty long hike up to the top of the waterfall which was really cool and a bit concerning given Tyler's leg was still injured. He insisted he was fine so I dropped it. We had lunch and he decided to take a quick nap. I did some solo exercising while he was asleep. It'd been about an hour. I should wash up soon, but I think I'm gonna do some laundry so I'm not carrying smelly clothes back in my bag.

I went back into the tent and found Tyler fast asleep. I honestly forgot he was napping. I slowly started retreating from the tent, deciding laundry could wait.