Sparrows

Chapter 53

Chapter 53

2 weeks later. It is August.

I often feel the way I write poetry

Dismantled and unorganized

I constantly feel like throwing up

Throwing up sea shells and love confessing letters

So much of what is paining me

I am so scared

I want to love everything but I struggle getting out

Of my own hea-

"Hey!" I hear the sound of Electra's voice saying a prolonged 'heyyy' and I look up to see her smiling, Sage and Niall behind her, walking towards my table at Fig & Honey café. I stand up and great them all with hugs and sweet cheek kisses. They all take a seat as I put my poetry notebook away.

"What were you doing before we came?" Sage asks curiously

"Oh, nothing, just writing, working on my portfolio for university." I say smiling. In these 2 weeks, I have seen myself in a completely different light, without the shadow of anyone holding me back and I am starting to see myself clearer, working on what I want and who I want to be, something I should have promised myself to stick to since the beginning of summer.

"You look good." Niall said abruptly. I wasn't really sure what he meant, so I looked at him a bit weirdly,

"No, I mean not in that way, you just look more" he scrambles for the word, "content."

I had not realized I had,

"Umm, I don't know, I've been focusing on myself for a bit. I think I just got lost on the way, and thanks to my lovelies Sage and Electra, you guys really helped me through this." I see them smile and I remember how lucky I am to have them,

"And then you know next week were going to London together to see some universities and just to get a brea-" I zone back in and look around the table to see Niall's eyes widening. He knows something I don't. I stop in my sentence.

"What?" I say, then I look around the table and everyone is silently siting there.

Finally, after a long pause and awkward 'umms,' Niall speaks,

" I haven't told you yet because I didn't really know how or-"

"Are you guys not coming?" I ask frantically,

"No, no of course we are, but umm," he pauses, " Harry is in London now, for about two weeks actually."

I hear his name and I feel like a knife has stabbed me. The sensation boiling and freezing at once. It only took a moment.

"Well if you guys want to see him that's fine but I am not. I'm not going to cancel this trip because of him." Yes Marine, YOU WILL NOT cancel because of HIM.

"We don't want to see him anyways," Sage says,

"Well I might, he's my best friend" Niall says with forgivness in his voice,

"No of course, I understand, who am I to tell you you cant see him."

My mind is somewhere else for the rest of the lunch. Questions of what if's and images of his face pop into my mind and I want to punch myself. Why did Niall have to tell me that? Why? Why couldn't he have just left me the way I was, ignorant to the idea that I might see Harry again.

----

The flight will now be taking off. The flight from JFK New York City to Heathrow London is about 6 hours. We wish you a pleasant flight on Emirates Airlines.

"Drinks Madam?" the flight attendant interrupts me from my book, The Secret History. Since I payed for this ticket myself, the odds where in my favor and I luckily got upgraded to business class! Next to me, Sage is already sleeping lazily on my shoulder. Ever since her and Zayn broke up, it has really been a reality check for me that my problems are not the only one that exist, that I need to be here for her more than I have been this summer. They no longer felt like they were 'clicking' anymore. It was good to have her when we were both going through a breakup, well, I don't really know what I was going through. Harry and I were never really in a relationship.

"Chamomile Tea, please, if you have any?"

"Of course madam," He pulls out the kettle and gives me bag of chamomile. I thank him and get back to my book. I remind myself of how fun this is going to be. I hadn't been to the UK in a few years, and the last time I went, I loved it so much. Visiting Oxford and Cambridge with my best friends, universities and cities home to classic literature is something I am extremely looking forward to. And spending my 18th with them as well in such an electric city like London is going to make this a trip to remember.

'Hanging out with friends. Not seeing someone else. That is what I will remember. That is what I want.' I say in my head.

---

I push my glasses on to my face as we leave baggage claim in Heathrow. Electra, Sage and I are all making jokes about squirrels (typical us) while Niall is talking on the phone behind us. We walk out to the crowd of people waiting for our loved ones.

"Are we getting a cab or going on the train?" I ask Electra and Sage.

"I think cab?" Electra says unsurely. Electra looks back at Niall who is still on the phone.

"Hey, cab or train?" she asks him. He walks faster to catch up with us. He doesn't really answer.

"Ummm, none."

Ummm, what does he mean none? I furrow my eyebrows and continue walking ahead, and all at once, I stop in my tracks.

I think I know our ride to the city.

----

Well, ummm, Im back?

I honestly didn't think I was going to come back, but I couldn't leave this story unfinished. I often thought about the story, and the fans of the story, but i felt embarrassed, gone too long that no one would want to read anymore or that everyone would hate me. I am so sorry for leaving. My head was not ready to be writing this story. Like Marine, I needed to focus more on myself, university, and work, and I just didn't know how to come back to this. 

My university apps are almost finished and I am going on winter break this week so I just went on wattpad and read all your messages of " I love your story please update!" and it came naturally to me. 

I can't wait for you guys to keep reading about the story I am now remembering I love to write.

PS MADE IN THE AM IS WOW

- Lo