Sparrows

Chapter 18

Harry' POV

It has been two days since Marine and I “conversed” at that New York club. She hasn’t talked to me, or had any contact with me since. Fuck, why did she even have to show up to the damn club? How was I supposed to know she was coming she is underage I wouldn’t have guessed.

I can’t stand seeing her. I hate it. I hate how nasty I can become around her and I hate how vulnerable I can get as well. I don’t know how but she can see right threw me and I thought I was unreadable. The thought of her, her name, anything about her just pisses me the hell off because it is painful to have to stay away from her when I honestly don’t want to. This thing that is between us has moved ridiculously fast, that I haven’t been able to catch up with my own emotions, all I know is that I can’t stand being away from her, because when I am, I am uncontrollably thinking of her, and when I am not, she is the only thing I can keep my eyes on.

But fuck, I need too. Our relationship is destined for failure. It is just contestably lashing out on each other, it isn’t right to hurt and break each other and use each other’s weaknesses because we can, it is  sick and destructive. I just have this thing where I keep trying to push her away, it is not fair for her to be with me, or be without me.

Fuck.

 

After Marine left, I was enraged, she hurt me, but all I could feel was disappointment and anger with myself and the universe and she just left me in the middle of our conversation, like I was a piece of trash. Who did she think she was? I just had consumed so much anger and emotions that I fucked her.

I fucked the girl I brought to the club, in the bathroom, and I don’t even remember her name, and I can’t figure out if this was a good thing or a not.

All I know is that I am in between the unfairness of being with Marine, and the unfairness with being without her because it would hurt her and myself.

If she ever figured out what happened after she left, it would crush her, or maybe it wouldn’t, I don’t even think she is into me, I don’t even know if I am into her, this whole thing is just so perplexed I can’t even recognize my feelings I just want to break something. Here we go again with her making me so angry all the time!

To clear my mind I went to the small indie cinema on Swell Avenue really early today, like at 7 am, the avenue I took Marine too for dessert. They play French films from the 50's, and documentaries about rock legends like KISS, or David Bowie. They where screening Casablanca, an old 1942 film that I have probably watched 10 times, so I watch it, the cinema being the only place that I have been able to escape from all of life’s shit for 2 hours, it was the safest place for me growing up, still is now. But watching the film I adored, I still could not stop thinking about Marine, which was really freaking me out.

I drive home; blasting music so loudly so I wouldn’t hear myself think. I get to my parents wide scale apartment, where I am staying at this summer, and hand my car into valet. Who has valet at there own house, I don’t know.

I drag my miserable self to the elevator when the lobby man stops me,

“You are Mr. Styles, correct?”

“ Please call me Harry, Mr. Styles is what they call my father.” I inform the lobby man. The last thing I wanted to be seen as was my father. The Lobby man nods and smiles polity,