Sparrows

chapter 10

I needed to say no. But I didn’t want too. My desire to resist him was unnecessary, I had a great enough personal knowledge to know that my body was craving his presence. I believe that I am just trying to resist something that doesn’t exist. Harry and I were merely acquaintances, the dance we shared probably meant nothing to him as it did to me, more because I had never interacted with a male like that, where he, has with many women. If I didn’t resist him, it would prove to my mind and I that there is nothing to fear.

Love is such a complicated thing for me. There is a part of me that has this desire to connect, that I could get lost, dreaming of laying besides someone that I adore, and not even desire a kiss from pure satisfaction of each others company. But then there is a side of me that is afraid. I am so scared to love. I am terrified to open myself up to love. It is like bleeding in front of people. Letting everything out. I don’t want to feel rejected. Everyone I love has rejected me, and it hurts too much to the point where I feel numb. I feel used to it. So how could I be so in love with being in love, but yet so terrified? Harry terrifies me, he gives me hope, he makes me feel different, and it is too scary of a feeling to conform too.

He waited for an answer, still trying to catch his breathe,

“Marine, did you hear me?” I just realized that I was emotionlessly staring at him. As if he wasn’t even there.

It is just desert Marine, not sex. My mind informs me.

I get it.

“umm, ah, o-okay.” I say, my voice quivering. His face flushes we bright emotions, he seemed surprised that I agreed to eat with him; I was pretty surprised at myself.

“ Good.” He says, a grin forming on his face. Wow, his smile was delightful.

“Where do you want to go?” he continues, now getting closer to me. The only place I could really think about for desert was the little pastry shop on Swell Avenue, but I contemplated the idea for Swell Avenue was my avenue, I don’t know if I am ready to bring someone to it, to maybe hear a opinion of the place that is not the same as I. I decided to ask him to pick a place.

“You can choose, or we could just walk around and find somewhere new.” I inform him, he begins to brood, as he runs his long fingers through his gelled back curls.

“Well there is this really nice old pastry shop on Swell Avenue, they have amazing stuff.” He shyly recommends.

He knows Swell Avenue. Is this a joke?

fuCK.

I just glued my gaze to him, my eyebrows furrowed, it pissed me off that he was so perfect. That he knew the best things to say to me without even knowing their effect on me. My mouth was open; I just didn’t know how to react. I was overwhelmed.

He looked at me like he did something wrong, and I continued to make him feel that way as I turned around and started walking towards the avenue.

“I love Swell Avenue, and I love that damn pastry shop, lets go” I said passionately, and continued to walk as he followed me to my side.