phan oneshots

fourth of july (angst)

summary: Dan and Phil had broken up years ago, and on a fateful July night, they meet at a party.

based off Fourth of July by Fall Out boy

Why was I here? I didn't like parties. I didn't like crowds. I didn't like dancing.

So why was I, Dan Howell, sitting on a couch at some friend of my friend's house, drink in my hand and watching people chat away their lives?

I shook my head, taking a sip of my martini and staring at my feet.

"Dan?"

I froze. Could it be him? After four years? Him?

Slowly my eyes ran over his legs, up his stomach, and finally locked onto his face. It was him.

The boy with blue eyes that I saw shed tears, the boy with black hair in which I used to run my fingers through while we cuddled, his waist in which I used to hold when he was having a bad day, and his lips in which I used to kiss every single day.

We made eye contact. "Phil Lester," I spoke, testing his name on my tongue. A small smile masked his lips at the sound of my voice. I stood up. "I didn't think I'd ever see you again."

Phil's grin saddened. "It has been a long time, hasn't it?"

My eyes watered and I looked down at his hands. His knuckles I used to kiss, his fingers I used to intertwine mine with, and his palm I used to trace with my finger. "Four years and twenty-two days."

Phil let out a breath. "Should we go somewhere quieter?"

My eyes went back to his face. "Okay."

He reached out his hand and it felt like the farther he put his hand, the more oxygen I lost. I stared at his hand as if it were a knife, afraid to touch his skin again, fearing that it'd change my memory of touching him. "I won't hurt you," I heard Phil chuckle.

I gulped, and then the words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them. "You already have."

At that, Phil dropped his hand. His eyes watered. "Come on, Dan."

He gave up on taking my hand, instead just letting me follow after him like a child to their mother in a large store. We made it outside and he slid the door shut after us. I took a deep breath, taking another sip of my martini.

I looked up at the sky, counting the stars to calm myself down.

"You still do that, I see."

I looked at him, furrowing my eyebrows. "Do what?"

"Count to calm yourself down."

I chewed my lip. "Yeah."

"It's gotta be fate, right?" Phil asked. I leaned against the patio wall. "After four years, we just happen to meet at a Fourth of July party?"

I shook my head. "When did you move back? Why didn't you tell me? You couldn't even say hello?"

"Dan-"

"Why didn't you say goodbye either? You gave me no explanation, no calls or texts- I was left alone for four years."

"Dan!" He cut me off. I glared at him. "I didn't have a choice!"

I laughed coldly. "You always have the choice to say goodbye. Some people just don't want to."

"That I had the choice to, yes. But leaving wasn't my doing. My dad got a new job that day I left. I hadn't even known he wanted one. He said we had to go, and we weren't coming back. I got a new phone number and everything."

"And you didn't tell me."

Phil took a sip of his drink. "No, I didn't."

"And why is that?" I questioned.

"I couldn't do it, Dan," he whispered, then we locked eyes. This time, there were tears clouding over them, a few slipping down his cheeks. I longed to reach out and wipe them away, but I refrained, keeping my place. "I couldn't even form words on how to tell you. Because if I told you, that would tell me it really was real. That I really was leaving my friends, leaving my home, and leaving you. It wasn't a nightmare, but I wanted to tell myself it was."

"And now? Why are you here now?"

"My dad quit his job. He missed here. We've moved back into the same house."

"When?" My voice was stern, my body straining to keep it from trembling.

"A month ago."

I gritted my teeth, my grip on my drink tightening in anger. "You didn't tell me."

"I-"

"You didn't fucking tell me? Do you understand how shitty I felt when I woke up to find you weren't home? I called you, I texted you, I even wrote you letters, dammit, and not one reply came from you," I cried, tears now streaming from my eyes and hitting the pavement beneath my feet. "I cried myself to sleep almost every day, telling myself it was my fault, that I did something wrong, that you fell for someone else or got tired of me; God dammit, Phil, I hated myself because of you."

"How do you think I felt, Dan? You had your friends. I didn't. I was forced to move out of the blue, losing all contact with anybody, losing my friends and you, being shoved into a car and forced to a whole other state just because of my selfish father. I had no friends there, everybody always liked their friends better than me, I was failing almost every class, and I cried too. I thought about you every day- even just hearing your name had me in tears. You weren't the only one in pain."

"Well obviously you didn't care enough to say hello when you came back," I muttered.

Phil chugged his whole drink and threw it down. "I didn't want to come back! I didn't want to see your face again! The pain we would endure, I knew it would be too much! I hoped and prayed that you found someone else, so I didn't come back, no. I didn't want to ruin any new relationship you created. I didn't want to ruin any happiness you gained without me. I didn't want to suddenly come back and rip everything away from you!"

We were yelling at each other now. "Then why did you walk up to me on that couch? Why are you still here?"

"Because!" Phil shouted, then his voice quieted and his eyes darted away from my face. "Because as soon as I saw your face, I couldn't bring myself to walk away. You looked so alone, so upset, I had to find you again."

I wiped at my eyes. "I hate you," I spat. "I fucking hate you, Phil Lester."

Then I found my feet stomping towards him, my hands reaching up to grab his face, and my mouth parting.

I kissed him.

My lips pressed to his, my hands holding his face. He immediately reacted, his hands wrapping themselves around my waist and his mouth forcefully pushing against mine.

I could taste our tears connecting at the edge of my lips, my body trembling as I cried against him. We were throwing all our anger an sadness into this kiss.

I pulled away and wiped his tears. "I'm here now, Dan. I'm not leaving this time."

I pressed one last kiss to his lips, nudging my forehead against his before completely pulling away, taking his hands in mine.

We jumped when fireworks began to explode above, colors and flashing decorating the night sky. People began to push their ways outside, their jaws dropping in astonishment and their eyes twinkling as they watched.

I giggled, leaning my head on Phil's shoulder and leaning my head on his shoulder. Then I whispered in his ear.

"I guess you could say we were fireworks that went off too soon."