phan oneshots

book of lies (angst)

//inspired by and credit to The Book of Lies by
DansPlacenta

tw// mentions of suicide or depression

summary: when Dan dies in an unfortunate accident, he is given a book. A book in which it speaks of every lie he has ever been told, and who spoke it. 

Dan is terrified.

All he is sure of is that he's dead, and that there's this black notebook in front of him on a white desk.

It's for him, he knows that much. It says 'For Daniel James Howell' on the inside of the front cover. But if it's for him, will it really benefit him in acting upon it?

He takes a shaky breath and inches his hand forward, cautiously running his fingers across the cover- as if it were glass and his nails were a hammer.

Then, as if in slow motion, he intakes a breath and flips it open.

lie #1
you'll be okay - MOM

He remembers her telling him this. It was the day he fell and hit his head on the counter as a child.

Dan was only on the first page and he was already beginning to shake.

He flipped to the next.

lie #2
I'll buy you the ice cream - DAD

Dan slightly smiled at this, recalling how he would always beg his dad to buy his ice cream, and finally when no wasn't good enough, his dad would tell Dan he would.

He never actually did.

The auburn-haired boy flipped through some more pages, furrowing his eyebrows when he came across a certain one from primary school.

lie #13
I didn't take it, I swear - PJ

Dan furrowed his eyebrows. Then he reminisced how the two were good friends in elementary, and when he brought his DS to class, it went missing. He asked PJ if you knew where it was, but he brushed it off.

lie #38
I'm fine, really - CHRIS

Dan paused. Then his eyes watered, and he had to bookmark the page and stand up from the chair.

He knew Chris wasn't alright. Of course he did, they were best friends- they knew each other better than they knew themselves.

And Chris has killed himself.

And Dan had blamed himself.

Because Dan hadn't listened to him, he wasn't there for him when Chris needed him and that was it for the brown-haired boy.

And to most, it may seem like an accident what happened to Dan, but deep down he knew that the car crash was intentional. He wasn't saying that he purposely swerved into the car, but when the other vehicle was heading towards him, Dan didn't flinch. He had sat and waited for the happiness he long desired.

But Dan didn't get that happiness, instead here he was, reading a fucking book of dishonest people in his life and contemplating whether or not he should continue reading it.

So Dan made the dumb decision yet the same decision anyone else would make, and he sat back down to continue reading.

lie #42
It's not your fault - JEFF

Jeff was the name that belonged to his therapist. Dan, upon reading these four words, he let out a gasp and shot his hand to his mouth. What hurt the most was the fact that Jeff was constantly telling him that Chris's death was not Daniel's fault, and Dan had started to believe him, until now.

It was ironic, because in a book full of lies, it was really just speaking of the truth.

Dan flipped through more pages until realizing he was near the last page. He gulped, eyes squinting to push back the tears threatening to fall. He read through the last few lies, smiling at the name that belonged to his best friend, but the joy fading when he read the lies from said friend.

lie #108
I'll come back tonight - PHIL

He remembered that night crystal clear- they had gotten in argument about their relationship, and Phil grabbed his stuff and was about to leave when Dan asked where he was going. All Phil said was that he would come back, and Dan waited the whole night, only for the blue-eyed boy to come stumbling through the apartment door at four in the morning with breath that reeked of alcohol and eyes stained with tears.

lie #117
You're my best friend - PHIL

Dan froze, rereading the last lie over and over until his eyes had snapped a mental image of it. And then he flipped the page and wanted to die all over again.

lie #120
I love you - PHIL

And Dan shut the book, stood up, and it felt like being hit by a car a second time except worse- because not only was his body attacked, but this time his heart was being attacked too.

And he regretted opening it. He regretted reading it.

He regretted knowing the truth, because lies are similar to roses, beautiful to view but painful to touch. However, so was honesty.

What Dan hated the most however, was that the reason he died in the first place was because of Phil. He was texting him to remind him he loved him.

What Dan hated the most was that he was in love with someone who hadn't loved him back.

What Dan hated the most was that Phil Lester had lied to him, when all he needed was the truth.