phan oneshots

behind bars (comedy)

(a/n: this was originally planned to be a full-length fic but I changed my mind)

summary: in which Dan Howell decides to rob a store for no apparent reason besides curiosity and meets the sheriff's son called Phil.

Dan had never held a gun in his life. And he wasn't right now either, unless a water squirter counted. He held it in his trembling hands, the fake weapon painted black to make itself seem like a pistol.

The countergirl stared. "You know that's a water gun, right? Not to mention we've got security cameras."

Dan blinked, flashing a sheepish smile. "Could you please just call the cops?"

The countergirl was flabbergasted, holding in a laugh. "You want to get caught? You know, I've got a real gun behind here for safety purposes."

"Trade?"

"I'm not gonna give you a real gun, kid."

"Take the bullets out."

"Seriously, are you high? Why would you want to go to jail?"

Dan lowered his squirter, itching the back of his neck. He wandered over to the candy shelf, ripping open a package and eating it right in front of her. "Well," he began, swallowing a Skittle. "You've seen those reality shows with the prisons and scary people right? But is that really how it is? Everybody in there has some reason as to why they're behind bars, valid or not. I mean-"

"You think jail is some rainbow island? It's anything but. By the way, you're gonna have to pay for that candy."

"Oops," Dan smiled. "I didn't bring money, I think you might have to call the police."

The counter girl rolled her eyes. "Okay, I don't know who dared you to do this, but get out of this store and take the stupid candy with you."

Dan glared, and then he eyed her cell phone on the desk. The countergirl noticed it and ran towards it, but Dan was too quick and grabbed it.

"Use this to call the police or I break it."

"You wouldn't."

"Try me," Dan challenged. The countergirl moved an inch and Dan raised his arm, ready to smash it to the ground. The brunette smirked, the countergirl exhaling.

"Fine! Give me the phone and I'll call them, weirdo."

Dan smiled proudly and handed it to her, watching her dial. She put the phone on speaker.

"This is Callie speaking, what's your emergency?"

The girl held in a laugh before responding dramatically, "help me! I'm being robbed!" She moved the phone to Dan's mouth and he piped in: "give me the money!" The countergirl took the phone back. "Gas station down the street, he's got a gun!" She screamed before hanging up, raising an eyebrow at Dan.

"You're good," Dan praised. He glanced at her name tag, reading Emily. She pulled out the revolver under her desk, taking the bullets out before handing it to Dan.

"Take this, I'll cut down the security camera footage in the meantime. Splatter this fake blood all over the walls for me."

"Why do you have fake blood?"

"This is a gas station, the question is why wouldn't we?" Emily flashed a crooked smile. "What's your name anyway?"

"Dan."

She nodded before rushing off after handing Dan the fake blood package. He ripped it open and splashed it across the plain peeling walls, putting some on his hands and tossing the rest at Emily once she came back. She laid down and pretended to be injured, Dan waiting as the sirens rang out.

Dan shoved the skittles in his pocket, yawning and checking the time. He tossed the gun like a tennis ball, throwing it and catching it. Flashing blue lights ran across the walls and through the windows. It was go time. He held the gun up, except it was facing him. Emily groaned.

"Wrong way, idiot!"

"Listen, I'm not-" he was cut off when the doors opened and a body knocked into him, sending him onto the tile floor and being pinned on his stomach. His gun fell from his hands. He hissed in pain and felt his wrists bond together by handcuffs. "Hey, that's too tight!"

The person simply ignored him and stood, holding Dan by his handcuffed wrists. The person then noted Emily and called for backup, turning Dan to face him, and wow Dan would not mind being handcuffed again by this guy with a different scenery.

The stranger had big blue eyes that were narrowed, neat black hair with a police hat shadowing his face. A small badge was attached to his button-down reading trainee.

"Phil, check his pockets," a man ordered as he made his way through the door with paramedics following.

"Dad, you aren't supposed to say my real name in front of criminals!" Phil, the boy in front of Dan, complained. He listened though, patting down his shoulders and down his sides to his thighs. He paused, feeling the Skittles in his jeans pocket. He pulled it out, eyeing it.

"You can have some," Dan offered, a toothy grin on his face. Phil blinked at him, completely weirded out.

"Are you drunk?"

"Wanna check?" Dan flirted, failing miserably. Phil chuckled.

"Alright, we're definitely testing you at the station," Phil told him, dropping to his knees and feeling up his clothes one more time. Dan winked at Phil from his position and he blushed, instantly standing up and clear in his throat. He then roughly grabbed his wrists, shoving him out the building and into a cop car.

Dan hummed a tune, looking at himself in the rearview mirror. They got to the station and pulled Dan out, testing him for alcohol or drugs in his system, both negative. The police then led Dan to a room, ordering him to undress. Dan was confused but did as he was told, standing there until suddenly Phil walked in and Dan smirked immediately.

"Get on your hands and knees."

"Woah, I mean I know you loved feeling me at the gas station but-"

"I'm seeing if you have any weapons in your ass, not my dick."

Dan burst out laughing but obliged, getting down. He was told to spread his cheeks and he blushed, then he was told to cough. He did and then was okay to stand up, and Phil handed him beige clothes.

"Aren't the outfits orange?"

Phil eyed him, avoiding looking down below Dan's waist. "Not yet, newbie," Phil nodded and turned to leave, pausing at the door to add a comment. "Cute butt, by the way." 

Then Phil was gone, and Dan was standing there.

"Jail will definitely not be as bad as everyone says it is," Dan told himself, grinning and beginning to change.

If only he knew how wrong he was. But hey, at least he could stare at the sheriff's son.