Surviving

twenty

Dallas was right, the withdrawals eventually subsided a couple days after my episode. Obviously, she had to inform everyone of what happened. Mom cried a lot and would apologize for days, saying she should have been there. Eddie stayed fairly quiet but would throw me a sympathetic look. Maddie would occasionally come over to me, give me the biggest hug and then leave to distract Nova from it all. I guess she didn't really know what else to do. They've gotten really close - Maddie and Nova - and during my withdrawals, I didn't want Nova sleeping in my bed with me in case I hurt her in any way, so that led to the bond the girls now share. Nova and I still have our moments together though, and I make sure to remind her that she's my absolute everything and that I'll always be here for her. She responds the same way each time; kissing my cheek before wrapping her arms around me, telling me she loves me.

The only person I haven't really seen a lot of in the last week is Wilmer. He'll show face for a little, but then says he has to leave to go and deal with something. It's making me paranoid. Maybe he's decided that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that avoidance is the best option for him. I don't know, I hope that's not it but I can't think of any other reason that it could be.

I also got my results back from my doctors appointment. Turns out I have bipolar disorder, which explains a lot in terms of my moods and things like that. I now take medication for it. The doctor also believes that I suffer from an eating disorder - binge/purge type - but Mom already told me that since she spotted the signs and recognised them from her own behaviours. The doctor suggested that I go to treatment, but mom and I both felt that I'd recover better surrounded by my family. So far I'm doing good. I've stayed clean from drugs and I'm staying clean from self harm too. The last bad relapse I had was during my withdrawal, making me a couple of months clean now. It's been difficult, but it's definitely worth it. I can see a happiness in Nova as well. It's as if she feels more at ease knowing that I'm okay.

Today we're celebrating Christmas together. The last time I did this, it was with Helena. Our Christmases consisted of toast and beans, cuddles under one slightly dirty blanket and then some Christmas songs. Just me and Helena. It's safe to say this one is a little different.

I wake up to an empty bed. Wilmer's gone again, no surprise. I miss him, but I can't make him stay.

"Demi!! Santa's been! Come on, get up!" Nova screams before pushing my bedroom door open and running for the bed.

I laugh as she jumps up and down on the bed, and I can't help but shed a couple tears. After experiencing so much trauma in her little twelve years of life, it's good to know and see that she can be a child.

"Alright, lets go meet everyone else baby girl" I say before getting myself up and out of bed, catching Nova in my arms as she jumps into my embrace.

We meet everyone downstairs in front of the tree, and I put Nova down so she can give everyone a cuddle. I follow behind, embracing my mother first.

"Our first Christmas as a proper family, sweetie. I love you so much, okay?" Mom whispers into my ear, and I nod in response while trying to compose myself.

I don't want to cry today, so I muster up an "I love you too" before fighting off the tears threatening to spill.

I quickly hug the rest of my family, giving Dal a big hug before attacking Maddie in kisses, to which she responds with her usual sarcastic "oh my God, why are you so obsessed with me?" comment.

"I just love you so much" I reply while giving her a proper hug before finding my seat as Eddie starts handing out presents.