You Can't Choose Your Family ➸ Demi Lovato

{Chapter 39}

TRIGGER WARNING

"Demi's management are watching social media closely and the cops said they can't really act on anything unless these photos are actually released. They've already charged Joel and confiscated any devices which could hold the photos." Wilmer collapsed onto the couch next to me, rubbing his face as a result of the stress which had suddenly piled onto him. "Do you have any idea who it could be?" He asked, somewhat desperately.

I shake my head in the negative. It's an unknown number so I have no way of knowing.

"It just has to be one of Joel's followers on Instagram," I shrugged, voicing my train of thought, "someone who saw the photos when they were up before... So probably someone from my old high school... but no one has my number there except Joel so he must have given it to someone?" I rambled aimlessly, not getting any closer to who the mystery text was from.

"Don't stress over it princess," Wilmer said, putting a comforting arm around my shoulders, "they're more likely not even going to act on anything because if they do the police will get involved again."

"True." I agreed, although I wasn't fully convinced. I was terrified those photos would get out somehow. "Wait!" I bolted upright, something clicking in my mind. "Kaitlin has my number!"

Wilmer looked at me confused, "Kaitlin?"

"Yes, my old friend." I confirmed, "she definitely has my number and she definitely follows Joel on Instagram because she used to be literally obsessed with him! It could be her! It would make sense-"

"Woah," Wilmer cut me off, "don't jump to conclusions yet Saski! Hold on! She's your friend right?"

"Yes, she was but we haven't spoken for ages and we left on bad terms." I explained, thinking back to when I left Albuquerque and my 'friend' couldn't be bothered to come and say goodbye.

"But that doesn't mean she'd do something like this." Wilmer reasoned, "it's something pretty extreme to do in the aftermath of a fall out."

"Yeh I guess." I slumped back into the couch again. I looked down at my lap, slightly embarrassed by being so ready to accuse Kaitlin. I mean, that's a pretty shitty thing to do even if we haven't spoken for a while.

When Demi came home from her day out with Maddie at Disney, Wilmer immediately filled her in with the situation at hand.

She didn't take it too well and immediately went up to her room. Wilmer reassured me she would come round soon and just needed a bit of space but I still felt horrible. It was all my fault. Demi was feeling mortified and considerably down in the dumps that her personal photos were out there at someone else's disposal. Wilmer was obviously on edge as well, I mean he's in those photos too.

I'd put the two people I treasure and love the most in the worst position and I fucking hate myself for it. Why did I fall for Joel's pretence? How did I ever believe him? Why did I even take him into Demi's room? Well, to be fair I thought he was in the closet behind me but still, if I had never taken him in there none of this would ever have happened. Demi and Wilmer would be happy and everyone's opinion of them wouldn't be at risk of being dramatically tainted.

I shortly followed Demi upstairs, going to my respective room. I headed straight to the cupboard where my suitcase had been stored. I had hidden my diary in there along with some scissors which I'd used to cut out stuff to stick in it. My hands easily unzipped the inside pocket and my fingers found what I was looking for quickly.

I went to sit on the edge of my bed. The chorus of voices had returned. They'd been pretty much silenced recently but now they had come back and they seemed ten times worse than they ever were before. They were screaming at me that I had destroyed Demi and Wilmer's life. That I had ruined everything around me.

And so I did it.

I brought the silver blade to my wrist and immediately some of the regret and guilt I was feeling lifted. However not even seconds later it returned. So I did it again, alleviating the negative feelings yet again. But of course, they came back again. So I got rid of them again.

And so I was drawn into a viscous cycle.

I only stopped when I started to feel lightheaded. I looked at my left arm. It was covered from wrist to shoulder in red liquid. The sight made my stomach turn in nausea. I started to panic, the guilt was still there and now I'd fucked everything up even more.

I'd broken my promise. I'd ruined mine and Demi's relationship even further.

And so I started retracing the cuts. Gashing deeper into my skin.

Everything was ruined.

And everything went black.

The bright light pierced painfully through my irises as I wrenched my eyes open.

"Saskia!" A familiar voice sounded, making me aware of my splitting headache. "Baby you're awake!"

Well duh, of course I'm awake. No shit Sherlock! I have my eyes open!

I moved my neck stiffly to the right to see my sister sitting in a chair besides me. A worried expression etched into her face.

"How are you feeling?" Demi asked, reaching forward to caress my shoulder sweetly. I took a moment to consider her question. I let myself be aware of my body and the pain I was enduring.

"My head hurts," I croaked out, my voice sounding like it does in the morning after a long nights sleep. "And my arm hurts." I said, attempting to raise my left arm. I immediately stopped trying to move it though as a incredibly painful stinging sensation spread through it. "Ow!" I muttered. "What happened to my arm?" I questioned. Why did my arm hurt so much? "And why am I in hospital?" I added, finally realising my surroundings.

"You don't remember?" Demi asked. I shook my head. Remember what? "Saskia, you tried to-you tried to kill yourself." She stuttered as I could see the tears pooling in her eyes.

I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I was in shock. I actually tried to commit suicide? Why the hell did I do that?

And then it all came back to me at once. The guilt of putting Wilmer and Demi through so much stress and then breaking Demi's promise by cutting. And then cutting more and deeper and-

"Shit." I exclaimed, looking at my sister. I was horrified at myself, disgusted at my actions. "I didn't plan- I mean I didn't realise- I-" I stammered. I never meant for this to happen. What the fuck have I done? I've made everything so much worse! I've put Demi through even more stress and-

What the hell was I thinking?!

And the answer is; I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking of what my actions would result to. I wasn't thinking and I was stupid. So incredibly and completely stupid.

***
Happy 2016 everyone :)