i exist [as the definition of nonexistence]

the feeling of falling in love.

  I'm sitting in a brightly lit room, but my mind is a dark disaster. A cacophony of all the things wrong, past and future, every inch of grating static in between. I'm wondering if maybe I'm a modern Sylvia Plath, but no, I'm not depressed. Maybe I'm just a sad wreck who can't decide between hazel and gold eyes. Honey wheat hair and freckles like a dusting of cinnamon. I'm rope in tug-of-war, fraying and falling apart and everyone is collapsing. There's the one I love and the one who haunts my one a.m. dreams. There's white and there's black and there's so much gray. How could I have let myself come to this, I thought for once I'd gotten it right. But maybe I'm always wrong, and there's no such thing as a happy ending when you don't know how to fall in love.