i exist [as the definition of nonexistence]

blue veins, headlights, blue eyes, night skies

i. blue veins
You had the prettiest hands, thin and nimble and made up of gold and blue. You played the piano, you told me, and learned how to knead dough with those hands. You didn't mention the ease with which those soft fingers could form fists.
You had hands that could kill, darling. Is that why you wrapped your fingers around my neck, around my thighs, around my heart? you were trying to choke the life, the love out of me. You hated me, didn't you?

ii. headlights
Mama used to say I looked like a deer caught in headlights when I looked in the mirror. I was surprised, terrified by what I saw, but what did I see? Did I see the silhouettes of fingers on my collarbone, the outlined handprint against my cheekbone, the scratches down my sides? Did I see the dilated pupils from the after effects of drugs I didn't even know how to name? Was I see the stranger you had turned me into?

iii. blue eyes
You told me my eyes were the deepest, darkest depths of the ocean, they were that blue. You told me my eyes reminded you of the sky, the stars, the storm. You loved my eyes more than you loved me.
Maybe that's why you made me watch.
You used to stroke the skin on my cheekbone, just beneath my eye. You'd kiss me there, too, when you were finished with me.

iv. night skies
Why didn't you just kill me? Why did I have to suffer?