i exist [as the definition of nonexistence]

a girl, a bridge | a bridge, a chaos

Last year I wrote a poem for my gf at the time, and now it's been over a year since then and lemme just say, fuck her? fuck me too, let's be real but like. holy shit. i'm not gonna be putting the first poem here, but yeah. here's the sequel:

I am standing on a bridge,

a place you know, god, I hope you remember,

painted in shades of peach and sunset and

your lipstick on prom night.

I built this place for being afraid,

and I am here instead because of rage, 

because I am tired of wanting to call you at 3 am,

because you've moved on and

I'm still here,

at this bridge that was supposed to be safety

and is now mockery

you are still so catastrophic, dear.

An amalgamation of every almost,

a nightmare of what-ifs, and

I want to scream and burn and ravage but you're so far away,

so instead I look down into that black water, 

stars pinwheeling around a warped reflection of me.

You chose not to fall--

in love, into the water, into yourself--

you stepped back, a puppet on strings, and 

I envy you the ability to be

what everyone else wants you to be.

I couldn't sleep, that's why I'm here.

I was tired of crying,

thinking of the words "I love you but not me"

the word intoxicating, like addicting, like

you were the first real love of mine and I was just

your rebellion.

I want to fall.

God, I want to fall, and keep falling.

I want to burn this metaphor to the ground.

I should not be this heartbroken!

But I am, I am, 

I feel like I've been left at sea,

and you could have at least given me an oar,

and instead you gave me tail lights and deleted messages and

you were so afraid.

Of them, of us, of any possibility,

of what would've come next, a future scenario.

Did you really think this was one-sided?

This story is finished:

two girls, a bridge, two decisions,

and you chose him, and

I chose tearing this place apart brick by brick,

memory by memory.

I hope you're happy, light of mine,

I hope you've found your place.

I made this place for you, and I hope you never return.

I'm burning it to the ground, taking myself with it, hiding away this stupid dream I built

for you.

Fin.