i exist [as the definition of nonexistence]

unmade.

tonight is a night of big hollow nothings

swelling and d e v o u r i n g whole chunks of my resolve

long spindly hands

reaching deep into my chest and

u

     n

           r

               a

                     v

                            e

                                  l

                                        i

                                             n

                                                   g

unmade.

I lay in a bathtub 

I want to see stars so the nothing rips a hole in my happiness

a cavern speckled with doubts

and fears

all growing, spreading

the big nothing has me rotting from the inside out

unmade.

I wrote a goodbye letter and said

"don't worry I won't kill myself I'm afraid to disappoint"

my phone began to ring

dismiss 

               dismiss

                               dismiss

sorry she's not taking calls right now

she's teaching herself how to breathe

again

dismiss

                dismiss

sorry she can't come to the phone right now 

she's trying to feel

again

dismiss

                 dismiss

                                  dismiss

sorry.

unmade.

tonight is a night of n i g h t m a r e things

barbed wire and

thorns and

razorblade things

a night s e v e n t e e n years in the making

unmade.

dismiss

                dismiss

sorry she can't come to the door she's choking on her fears--

sorry she can't answer you,

the great big

r

   u

        i

            n

                 o

                      u

                           s 

nothing has its hands around her throat

unmade.

unmade.

unmade.

unmade.

At six

I never thought I'd

d i e

in such a 

p o e t i c 

way

but everyone loved 

Dickinson

and

Plath

the most after they died.