i exist [as the definition of nonexistence]

nuclear lament

The world echoes with the memory of you,

a nuclear shadow of what once was.

The poetry of this moment is the way

your hand is raised to touch a phantom arm.

my arm,

my nails digging into my wrist,

my hands greedy to carve into my flesh

and unspool my rotten faults.

You tried to stop me,

fingers hesitant on my elbow.

If I think hard enough,

count enough cracks in the ceiling,

I can remember the fuzzy static nonexistence

of the rain,

the way I wanted to be an atomic bomb,

the burn and fracture of failure,

and panic,

mirror image emotions in my chest.

If I could just rip them apart with my hands,

my heart like a nucleus,

maybe then I could destroy the

feeling

of you beneath my fingertips.

But my explosion left an imprint,

of that rainy day,

of your raised arm and pained expression.

In fact,

you are a shadow everywhere.

The places we kissed,

and the places we fought,

smeared black with ash and anger.

I wreaked havoc on you like

another world war, like

I assumed my lack of boredom

meant you were going to topple me

like Rome.

It never occurred to me that

I could love you,

and be loved in return.

I only ever thought in nuclear fission and

self destruction.