Words I Never Said (Luke korns fanfic)

Chapter 34

Luke's POV

The whole college has been mourning over the loss of this beautiful girl that half of the school didn't even know off, but she was still well known in my eyes.   Classes have been held off for two weeks for us who are hurting from her loss more than others.. It bugs me, the feeling of regret. The feeling that I know I should've treated her better, should've bought her more flowers. But I didn't. And it picks at me every second of the day. I need to get it out, and not just on paper this time, not just to a friend, I need to get it out to the world, my followers, my fans. They need to know what's going on in my life today and why I haven't  been uploading my weekly YouTube videos. They're about to see a side of me that they've never seen before. But here we go. I take out my camera and tripod and sit on the bed, not my bed, not in my dorm, but Madelyn's bed in Madelyn's dorm, they still have not cleaned or touched her dorm because I told them I would at the end of the year, I tell them that I want every last moment with her, and normally they would've told me no, but considering I broke down into a panic attack when they tried to move a single rug out of her room, they agreed. Which makes me happy, I can't see this room get taken apart, I just can't.

"Hey everybody, Luke here, welcome to.. Not my dorm, as some of you may know, this is not my dorm, I am actually in Madelyn's dorm, and I know none of you know her, but she was my girlfriend. Notice the word was.. I want to get real with you all this week and just talk, I may get a little emotional , but just bare with me." I close my eyes and take a deep breathe before opening my eyes and beginning to speak again.

"Madelyn wasn't just any girl to me, she was special, she was really special, but I didn't tell you guys about her.. I actually didn't tell her about you either.. Well, story short.. She um.. She passed.. She passed away.. Recently" I suck air through my teeth to keep myself from crying, even though I feel as if it is already too late.

"She had stage four brain cancer, and didn't know till it was too late.." I wipe my eyes with my shirt and look into the camera with a shaky breath.

"I didn't tell her about my YouTube.. And I should've. I didn't tell her because i thought I was protecting her, I didn't want her getting hated on, I didn't want her looking at me as somebody different, I wanted to be a normal guy for her, but it didn't turn out. Instead I told lies to her, over and over and... I can never take that back. The last thing she left me was a voicemail finding out about my YouTube, she was mad at me! Her last feelings towards me was anger! She didn't die loving me, she died hating me, I hate myself, I hate myself so much that I can't go through the day without having a panic attack anymore, I wake up with trouble breathing, I feel like the walls are caving in around me and I feel.. I feel trapped." I take a pause and look down.

"I was selfish and I was stupid. I fell in love, she was the one I was sure I was going to marry." I mumble with cracks in my voice as I cry uncontrollably now.

"I don't know if I'll be back.. I can't take back the words i never said.. So maybe I should just say goodbye. . . Goodbye guys." I stare dead into the camera and sit there for a few seconds in dead silence. I pick myself up and walk over to the camera, I stop it and then I make my way over to where her medicine was, I take out a bottle of Benadryl and scrabble my hands around as I sob trying to get the cap opened up.

"Luke no .. Luke.. Babe.." I hear and drop the bottle of Benadryl, I look up to see Madelyn sitting on her bed looking at me with a small smile, the one she would do when she was worried about me. I blink and she's gone.

"Don't leave me again don't leave me" I walk over to the bed where I swore I saw her and take a seat on it.

"I'm sorry" I whisper and let the last tear fall that I can manage to let go, because I'm getting dehydrated at this point. I grab my laptop and camera and export the video to the laptop, I do small light editing, such as skips, but nothing major, and then I upload it. I watch it as it uploads and once its completely uploaded I shut off the laptop, stand up and walk over to the pills, I pick them up and shove the bottle into my sweatshirt pocket and then make my way back to my dorm, I close my dorm door and take out the bottle of pills, I set them on the dresser and stare at them for a few seconds. I pick them back up and unscrew the lid slowly and then pour the whole thing into my hand as slowly. I count them one by one, thinking one reason ever count of why I should be dead. Why I want to be dead, telling myself I did this, it's all my fault.

"Luke!" Kirby runs into the room, I look at her and clutch my fist tightly so she can't see the pills and I turn to look at her

"Hm?" I say

"You'll never guess what I just heard" she smiles, a weak smile, but better then what I could ever manage.

"I'm waiting" I say with a sigh, I sound sassy.. I don't mean it, I'm just getting anxious again.

"I heard that you were saying goodbye. And I came to stop you." She fools me once again... She takes my hand and forces me to open it before she grabs all the pills and puts them back into the bottle.

"Stop.." I say watching her take every one last one away

"No... I'm not letting you leave me too.." She tells me

"You can't pull that trick.." I tell her and she leans into my ear and whispers

"It's not a trick, it's the truth." And then she walks out with the pills, I lay onto my bed.

I just want to die. . . I just want to die.

A/N
Next chapter is the last chapter.. ): ugh I'm not ready, I loved writting this way more then "Jealous".... !!