Pure Wander {PUBLISHED}

Chapter XXXIV

Don't allow the contrasts in this chapter to confuse you. Thank you all for being so patient with me. I truly appreciate and the votes, messages and comments. I love to know what you all think of my writing and what goes on in this book. Thank you! Enjoy reading ;)

Chapter 34

EMBER

     The bright light stings my eyes, and I lift my arm to rub them. My side hurts and I wince in pain. My vision is dazed and blurry, but soon I'm able to make out my hospital room. I've been counting down the days until I'm out of here. Today is the day I go home.

     After the nurse nurses me, she asks if Jay may come in. I nod.

     A smile flowers on his lips when he takes in my appearance, even though I probably look like death itself.

     A flower of hurt blossomed in my chest when I saw his eyes. If I could get up out of this wheelchair I'd pull him close and embrace him. His eyes held pain so raw, so deep, I had to fight the urge to look away. He held my hand.

     "How do you do, Oreo?" his attitude lifted my spirits.

     "I'm okay. I just can't stop thinking about the donor."

     Jay forced a weary smile. "At least the worst is over and you're set to go home."

     "I would just like to speak to my donor. To thank them, you know?"

     "I know, babe. But it's confidential, a-a-and Doctor isn't allowed to g-give us their name."

     I huffed. Although timid, he was right. I've got to respect their wishes.

     I was in bed rest when I nearly fought with Jay, convincing him to stop neglecting his studies.

     "Would you rather have me neglect you instead?" he asked.

     "No, that's not even the point. I'm fine, and will be fine." I say almost irritably. I can't bare the thought of Jay failing his studies because of me.

     He leaves, promising to check up on me later, and I shoo him away, only regretting so when I hear the start of his car in the driveway.

     As I lay my boy shorts and large t-shirt, all pleasant and all warm, I somehow wish it were different. What exactly? I can't pinpoint.

     I worried that we were too happy, that I was too happy. I worried that my happiness would be short lived and I shouldn't fully indulge myself in it. As a result, I sometimes sank into moodiness, and snapped at Jay, or became distant, and he accepted it all, which only frustrated me more. My joy became a restless thing; like a bird in cage eager to fly, but I was intent on keeping the cage locked.

     Jay might be too good for me. He is everything I could have dreamed of, and more. And that, in itself, is the problem.

     Whenever I spoke, he listened with a keenness close to desperation. I feel all the beautiful emotions there are to feel whenever I am with him, but I would be fooling myself if I said that I feel whole.

     If only I could feel what I wanted to feel.

     But then again, I could be wrong. Everything is fine - but maybe a little too fine.