Break (A Kylo Ren Fanfic)

XXVII

When I come to, I'm strapped to that horrid table again, the one I've been in a few times before. I look around me, seeing if Kylo is in here but I find the room empty of another presence.

Everything flashes back to me and it's as if I can feel my blade going through that man's neck.

I close my eyes in a futile attempt to get rid of the image and feeling, but it makes it all the more vivid.

I scream.

Screaming doesn't help me accomplish anything. In fact, it reminds me of my sore throat from the previous screaming, which brings up why I was screaming before, scaring me yet again. It's an endless cycle as I can't seem to get out of it.

As a result, my mind goes into a state of panic and the walls around me start to close in, shrinking as they threaten to swallow me. I feel like I'm being crushed as the room gets smaller and the pressure inside of my head builds and builds and even though I hold off as long as possible, I can't hold back my next scream. 

It is so loud that it deafens my own ears and gives me a splitting headache; it relieves the building pressure that was in my head caused due to the room shrinking.

Again, an endless cycle begins and I begin to suffocate from the inevitability of it.

I thrash about, trying to get out of the restraints as if it were possible. I'm well aware that I won't be able to get out of the straps by struggling, but my sanity is not of me at the moment so I try as hard as I can.

I don't even feel the pain when I start to bleed from where the restraints cut into my wrists. Physical pain is so superficial anyway. It is nothing compared to the turmoil inside of me, causing me an inflamed and bubbling emotional pain.

It is absolute torture.

My breaths come quick and they are so shallow that my head begins to feel light and I panic.

On top of all of the struggling and worrying I am already doing, I start to fear that I won't be able to regain my regular breaths. In an attempt to steady my breathing, I tense my muscles as if that would give me some kind of control over my state of respirations.

An ineffectual attempt it was, just like all of my other great ideas thus far.

My vision blurs when Despite my rapid opening and closing of them, trying to blink away the pain and problems.

My mind won't stop playing the scene over and over in my head of my knife going into his throat.

As I'm going through this panic attack, it's all I see, all I hear, all I smell, all I feel. And it's even almost as if I can taste the blood in my mouth. Taste the way the air tinged when his blood spilled over me.

At that moment, it was as if I could feel every single emotion coursing through that man's body.

He was so mad at first. Mad that Kylo he set himself up in such a situation. Mad that he was excited about the fight. Mad that I fought better.

He was shocked next. Shocked that a person of my size and stature could fight so well. Shocked that a girl could hold her own in a battle against him. Shocked that I won.

And then he was scared. Scared that he lost the fight. Scared that he was going to actually die. Scared that I took his life.

These emotions felt so real even though there was no possible way for me to know those were his exact emotions, but it was as if his eyes and face told it all as my blade slid so easily through his flesh.